


Dear Magnus

by Suki_Babe



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Asmodeus Sucks, Camille sucks, Child Abuse, Cutting, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorder, F/M, Friends to Lovers, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Injuries, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Rape/Non-con, Self Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Violence, eventually fluff, mention of miscarriage, the slowest of burns, there's so much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-08-01 07:04:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16279928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suki_Babe/pseuds/Suki_Babe
Summary: ***Major trigger warning***Clarissa Adele Fairchild killed herself on November 23, 2017. Pills. What a completely un-glamorous way for someone so beautiful to leave such an ugly world. She officially died at 10:37 PM in the Emergency Room at the Brooklyn Hospital Center. As much as Magnus wished that he had been there, holding Clary’s hand, telling her to fight, and that he still needed her, he wasn’t. Magnus wasn’t there when his best friend took her final breath. Instead, he was passed out, drunk and alone.Clary didn’t call Magnus before she did it. They always make it look like this huge thing in movies. If this were a movie, Clary would have tried to call Magnus. But movies have happy endings. Ones where best friends stay best friends, and no one kills themselves. But this is Clary’s reality. Even though it feels like one big fucking nightmare.7 words. Not even an explanation or some big existential crisis about how life wasn’t worth living and there wasn’t a point. No, just 7 words. “I am so sorry. I love you.” If you loved me, you would still be here. But in case you hadn’t noticed, you’re not here anymore and I’m alone. Completely alone. So, fuck you Clary. And fuck those 7 words.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is probably the heaviest thing that I have ever written, and please read all of the the tags before reading this. 
> 
> I guess that this work is definitely a Malec fic, but it's more about Magnus and his struggles with Clary's suicide, especially the first chapter. Alec isn't a very big character in this chapter, but he will become very important in future chapters. 
> 
> This story kind of swtches a bit between perspectives: Magnus' inner thoughts are represented my italics, Clary's letters are in bold, and the regular narration is in regular font. I just didn't want to confuse anyone. 
> 
> I took a lot of liberties with the characters, specifically surrounding the ages of everybody. Also, Jonathan Morgenstern is a small child in this fic and is an angel. And Jace's parents are alive and well and he is just Alec's best friend, not adoptive brother. 
> 
> Finally, please understand that Magnus is grieving right now. It's an intense process, and he's feeling a lot of things, including anger. 
> 
> Alright, I think that I'm done with the disclaimers. I hope that you all enjoy this fic and please let me know what you think in the comments. I'm sorry in advance.

**Dear Magnus,**

**I am so sorry. I love you.**

**-Clary**

_7 words… 7 words that shattered my entire world. And I knew right in that moment, the pieces were never going to fit back together. At least not in the way that I wanted them to._

**12/23/2016**

**Dear Magnus,**

**God… where do I even start? I’m miserable. Fucking miserable. And I wish that I could tell you that I’m sad, or I’m angry, or that my parents are fighting again, but the truth is: I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted and numb and sick of myself. Always sick of myself. But who am I fucking kidding? I have no reason to complain, your life is a shithole right now. And I know that you think that I don’t notice the marks on your arms or the food left on your plate. Oh God, I should say something. But I don’t even have the courage to actually tell you any of this, so how would I have the courage to bring up something so personal. I’m a coward, and nothing is going to change that.**

**-Clary**

Clarissa Adele Fairchild killed herself on November 23, 2017. Pills. What a completely un-glamorous way for someone so beautiful to leave such an ugly world. She officially died at 10:37 PM in the Emergency Room at the Brooklyn Hospital Center. As much as Magnus wished that he had been there, holding Clary’s hand, telling her to fight, and that he still needed her, he wasn’t. Magnus wasn’t there when his best friend took her final breath. Instead, he was passed out, drunk and alone.

Clary didn’t call Magnus before she did it. They always make it look like this huge thing in movies. If this were a movie, Clary would have tried to call Magnus. But movies have happy endings. Ones where best friends stay best friends, and no one kills themselves. But this is Magnus' reality. Even though it feels like one big fucking nightmare.

7 words. Not even an explanation or some big existential crisis about how life wasn’t worth living and there wasn’t a point. No, just 7 words. “I am so sorry. I love you.” _If you loved me, you would still be here. But in case you hadn’t noticed, you’re not here anymore and I’m alone. Completely alone. So, fuck you Clary. And fuck those 7 words._

 

…

 

Magnus woke up to three soft knocks on the door. He already knows that it’s his mother and that she is going to try and convince him to stay home from school, but he’s already decided.

“Come in Mom.”

She opens the door slowly. Magnus can tell that she already had a fight with Asmodeus this morning; her makeup is smudged under her eyes and tears stain her face.

“Hey honey, I just wanted to make sure you still wanted to go to school today. If you need more time-”

“I’m going. I want to.”

“Magnus… It’s only been a few weeks since…” She hesitates, but Magnus finishes it for her.

“Since Clary killed herself.” Alice’s eyes widen. “You can say it Mom. You don’t have to keep tiptoeing around my feelings. Clary killed herself and staying home isn’t going to change anything.”

Alice hesitates, like she’s going to say something else, but then she gets up and leaves. _My mother has no clue how to talk to me anymore, but what else is new?_

Magnus gets up and looks into the mirror that hangs on his door. Exhausted would be an understatement as a description of how Magnus looks. Words cannot even describe the dullness of his eyes and the mess that sits on top of his head. He could be a ghost if Clary wasn’t one already. Although, Magnus wasn’t even sure that Clary was a ghost anymore… she’s just dead. _So maybe I am a ghost, stuck in this in between that no one knows how to save me from. Not that anyone’s trying._

Magnus’ room is small, kind of empty besides the clothes scattered on the floor and the artwork hanging on the walls. All of the pictures depicting Magnus’ depression and his sad life. Because Magnus was always the sad one.

Magnus picks up a pair of ripped jeans and a black t-shirt. Technically, ripped clothes aren’t allowed at school, but no one’s going to dresscode the guy whose best friend just killed herself. _I know, I know. I’ve got a fucked up mind. But hey, at least I acknowledge that it happened… right?_

Once he’s dressed, Magnus walks down the hallway to the bathroom, brushes his teeth, and attempts to comb through the rats nest on top of his head. He then looks over at the anti-depressants sitting on the counter. He thinks about taking them for the first time in a month, but it’s not like they’re going to do any good now. They’ll just make him feel, and the last thing Magnus wants right now is to feel.

After staring at himself in the mirror for about ten minutes, he finally decides that he should get going. He takes one last look at himself and then heads downstairs. No one’s in the kitchen, thank God. Alice is probably upstairs apologizing for God knows what. _I wish that I could save her._ Magnus grabs a blueberry bagel from the pantry and then puts it back. _I wasn’t eating before Clary died, so why would I start now?_

As soon as Magnus hears the door latch from upstairs, he’s out the door and starting his silver 1998 Chevy Malibu. A.K.A. The worst fucking car in the universe. But it’s a car nonetheless. Not that Magnus has anywhere to drive it. Before he died, Magnus would be at Clary’s basically 24/7. He didn’t really realize that it was his home until he couldn’t go there anymore… In all actuality, he probably could. But why would he?

It’s snowing today, a lot. Magnus doesn’t particularly mind the snow, but he wishes that there could at least be happy weather during such a shitty time. But Magnus couldn’t really expect anything different from Brooklyn in the middle of December. He watches the snowflakes fall onto the windshield and then quickly disappear. They say that every snowflake is different, just like people. What they don’t tell you is that, just like snowflakes, people can disappear in the blink of an eye.

Once Magnus makes it to the school parking lot, he sits in his car for a while. He continues to watch the snow until he hears the first bell ring. It’s currently December 12th, meaning there’s only a couple more weeks until winter break. Magnus isn’t quite sure why he decided to come back before the semester ended. He’s already so far behind that wouldn’t matter if Magnus passed all of his finals. He just needed to get out of that house.

After he finally decides to get out of his car, Magnus walks slowly towards the door. Now this, this is exactly how it is in the movies. Everyone is looking at the sad boy in ripped jeans and whose best (only) friend just killed herself. People never noticed him when he was just Magnus, but now that he’s Magnus with the dead best friend, everyone wants to feel bad for him. Pathetic, right?

_I don’t want everyone, or anyone, to look at me right now. I finally understand the whole “eyes burning into your skin” bullshit. I hate all of their eyes and their whispers and their general ignorance surrounding the entire situation. I hate the way that they all want to be sympathetic and how they think that I need their attention. Spoiler alert: I never needed their attention before and I definitely do not need it now. Or ever._

Magnus is starting to regret coming here, but then again, spending another day at home sounds like hell and this is the only other place that he has to go. He never really liked school, but he always showed up, always did what he needed to pass. Because Magnus always thought about the future, about when he could go to college, when he could leave. According to every single old person ever, college is great. At least, it’s supposed to be. Magnus has always had this hope that one day everything would be okay and that he would be happy. But here’s the thing about life, you get to be happy and okay for a little while and then, at the point when you finally think that it’s there to stay, everything goes to shit again. Magnus was happy, or at least getting there. And then Clary left. The brightest person in Magnus’ life left. Every ounce of happiness that he had drained the moment that he knew. And that’s when he knew that never being happy at all was so much better than having it taken away. And that college is going to be exactly like high school, except college will be missing the one person that made high school manageable.

The final bell rings when Magnus reaches physics. Magnus fucking hates physics, he’s always fucking hated physics. He also fucking hates the fact that as soon as he walked through the door the air of the room immediately turns so fucking depressing. Why is everything so fucking depressing? _I just want to be happy… all I’ve ever wanted is to be happy and to be normal and to just be okay with being. But instead, I’m here. Standing in the physics room looking like a fucking idiot. Sorry, I meant a fucking depressing idiot._

Magnus sits down at the table all the way in the back and sets his backpack down. It’s funny how people always think they’re being so subtle and so quiet but even if  Magnus can’t hear them, he knows that they’re talking about him. _Everyone wants to talk about me but don’t actually want to talk to me. Not that I would want that, but at least they would feel better about themselves. Although, I’m not sure that I want that either. I kind of want them to feel like shit. I want them to feel the way that I feel, or the way that Clary felt. Because then they might finally be able to look past their privilege and feel real pain._

Magnus’ thoughts are interrupted by the bell. Apparently, he spent the whole class just thinking and being depressed and sad. Magnus gathers all of his things as quickly as he can before Ms. Herondale can ambush him with her teacher talk bullshit. Magnus’ next class is art with Mr. Fell. That was always Clary’s favorite class because she was an amazing artist. And you know, Magnus always knew that Clary was so much better than him, but it never bothered him. When someone creates something so beautiful, you have to appreciate it. She was amazing.

Magnus walks into the art studio and I see all of the artwork on the walls. His eyes scan the walls and all of the colors start to swirl together. And then his eyes stop. There’s a bright yellow sunflower covering a young girls face. Clary’s face. This isn’t right. Nothing is right. Magnus starts to feel his heart beat really fast, faster than it should. His eyes begin to blur and everything feels off. The sunflower is starting to wilt, and the girl behind it is nowhere to be found. _I need to get out of here. Right now. Every hallway, every locker reminds me of her. She was the light in these dark, dingy rooms and now the light has completely burned out. They’re just rooms. And these rooms are going to make me go insane, if they haven’t already._

Magnus runs out of the art room and keeps running until he’s outside, breathing the cold,

Fresh air into his lungs, or at least he’s trying to. It’s hard to breath when you can’t find a reason to. _As much as I breath my lungs never fill and my heart won’t calm down. Please calm down._

“Magnus!”

_I know that voice. A voice that I’ve come to hate. I don’t want to hear that voice right now. Or ever._

“Magnus, are you okay?” _Great question._

“Go Away.”

“Are you out of breath-”

“Alec. I said leave.”

And so he did exactly the opposite of what Magnus told him to do and walks closer. He always was stubborn like that.

“Holy shit, you’re breathing so fast. Do you need me to call someone?”

“I don’t need anything from you.” Magnus manages to squeak.

“Please, let me help you, Magnus. I understand what you’re going through. I miss her too.”

_No. Suddenly, I can breathe just fine._ Magnus stands up and straightens from the crinkled position that he was in. Alec used to be Magnus and Clary’s friend. Until he found out how Clary felt about his best friend, Jace. After that, he left and went to be with Lydia.

“You _miss_ her? You didn’t even know her.”

“Wait I-”

“No, Alec!” Magnus rips his arm from Alec’s grip and turns to face him. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. It’s too late. You didn’t know her because you left. You didn’t care about her then and you certainly don’t care about her now. Just leave me alone. I’m fine.” Magnus turns around and walks away. He knows that every single person is staring at him, but he just needs to get out of here. He can hear Alec yelling for him. He doesn’t stop.

Once he got about a block away from the school, Magnus feels like he can breathe again. He gets a text message from Jocelyn, Clary’s mom.

“I have some stuff of Clary’s that I thought you might want.”

“Okay, I’ll be right over.”

Magnus sends his reply and starts walking towards Clary’s house. Clary’s entire family was always so cheery. Everytime that Magnus was upset with Asmodeus, he knew that he would have a place to go. Jocelyn would make them dinner with whatever was in the fridge and bake the most amazing chocolate chip cookies. Magnus would give anything to get those moments back. To get Clary back.

Magnus finally reaches the house. He can feel the air of sadness; it seems so dark. This house used to be a beacon of light and now it’s just an old house with creaky floors and chipping paint. Magnus knocks lightly on the door and Jocelyn opens it. Magnus sees Jonathan peeking from behind his mother’s leg. He’s too young to understand what’s going on. He probably won’t even remember Clary.

“Come in, Magnus.” Jocelyn’s face is puffy from crying. Magnus can tell she hasn’t been getting much sleep because her eyes are deep in her face and red.

She leads Magnus into the house and down the hallway, They pass by the living room and Magnus sees Luke sitting on the couch with his head buried in his hands. Magnus hates seeing Clary’s family like this. He misses their warm smiles. Their wide open arms… He misses Clary. He’ll never stop missing Clary. The last time that Magnus saw them this way was right after Jonathan was born. Valentine, Clary and Jonathan’s biological father. Valentine became abusive and angry after Jonathan was born, so Clary and Jocelyn left. Luke was a close friend of theirs and eventually he married Jocelyn. Clary was so happy when they got married, and she started calling Luke dad immediately. Magnus wished he could go back to the day of their wedding, simply to see how happy Clary looked that day.

Once they reach the room, everything looks exactly the same. The pictures and artwork scattered all over the bright green walls. Her white bed sheets with patterned pillows and the fairy lights hanging above her dark wooden dresser next to the bed. The only thing missing is Clary.

Jocelyn grabs a blue box labelled “Magnus” from the closet. She hands it to Magnus and he opens it. There’s only a few things inside; a charm bracelet that Magnus gave to Clary when they were kids, a few polaroids, and a white notebook with “Dear Magnus” written in black sharpie.

“I’m sorry that there’s not more, I just can’t bring myself to part with anything else.”

“It’s alright Jocelyn, I understand. Do you know what this notebook is?”

“No, I only just found it yesterday. I haven’t read it because it’s obviously meant for you.”

Magnus thanks Jocelyn and pats Jonathan on the head before leaving. As soon as he makes it out the door, Magnus realizes that he doesn’t really have anywhere to go. He ends up walking downtown and heading towards Java Jones. This was their getaway, Magnus and Clary would come here and just waste the time away drinking coffee and laughing together. Magnus pulls out the little blue box from his backpack and looks at the picture of him and Clary in front of the big, red Pike’s Place Market sign from their trip to Seattle. Clary was so beautiful. She had long, red hair and the most amazing green eyes. In this picture Clary is wearing her favorite black fuzzy sweater, her ripped blue jeans, and her green combat boots. She’s smiling. Magnus would give anything to make her smile again.

Magnus puts the picture back into the box and orders a black coffee. He walks over to their favorite booth, over in the corner, away from everyone else and sits down. He looks around the room at the dark grey walls and the red tables. He watches all of the people interact with one another and order their drinks. Somehow, this place isn’t making Magnus feel any better. Without Clary, It’s just a busy coffee shop full of busy people who don’t pay attention.

Magnus looks at his phone and realizes that it’s almost 3:30 and that his mom will be expecting him home soon. He grabs his coffee from the counter and begins walking home.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     No part of Magnus wants to be back in that house but he has nowhere else to go. It begins to snow again. Something about walking through the snow is really calming. Not calming enough to make Magnus forget, but still calming. It snowed on the day of Clary’s funeral.

It was such a gloomy day, and everyone had to huddle underneath the tent during the burial. Clary was buried next to her grandparents, and that was it. They lowered her into the ground and she was gone. That was when it all finally hit Magnus. It was that moment when Magnus realized he was never going to see Clary again… she was gone forever and there was nothing Magnus could do about it. That was 2 weeks ago and Magnus doesn’t feel any different.

As Magnus gets closer to his house, he realizes how exhausted he feels. He just wants to curl up in his cozy, warm blankets and fall asleep. As much as Magnus hates his house, his bed is so safe. To fall asleep is to be safe. In Magnus’ dreams he can be with Clary. He can imagine his mother before she got pregnant; so beautiful and happy and small… No Asmodeus, no Magnus, just her. Forever.

Magnus walks up to the steps of the small, gray house. He walks up slowly, something feels wrong. More wrong than usual. As soon as Magnus opens the door, the screams ring through the house. He can hear Asmodeus’ muffled yelling coming from upstairs. This isn’t the first time that Magnus has come home to Asmodeus yelling at his mother, but there’s something different about this time. More hostile. As Magnus walks further into the house towards the stairs, he can hear what Asmodeus is saying more clearly.

“...I ask you to do one thing and you can’t even do that right!”

Magnus hears a plate smash on the floor. He must be upset with how she cooked dinner.

“I’m so sorry my love… I’ll do better next time. I-I promise.”

There’s so much fear in her voice. How could they have ever been in love? Love does not thrive on fear, at least it shouldn’t. Magnus hears another plate smash and realizes it wasn’t dinner. Asmodeus is smashing the beautiful vases that Magnus’ mom used to make when she still had a passion for something. Magnus runs up the stairs and bursts through the door.

“Shut up, you dumb bitch!”

Asmodeus yells this at Alice before he shoves her into the dresser knocking another vase onto the floor. The purple flowers smash into a thousand pieces.

“Stop it!” Magnus screams, running past Asmodeus and kneeling to protect his mother from anything else Asmodeus is thinking about doing to her.

“Get out of here and go to your room. This is between me and your mother.”

Magnus looks over at his mom, her eyes glimmering with tears, pleading for Magnus to leave. He doesn’t move.

“I’m not going anywhere, Asmodeus.”

“I’m your father and you will listen to me.”

“You’re not my father…” Magnus mumbles under his breath.

“What did you just say?”

There’s so much hatred in his voice. _When I look up at him, I do not see my father. I see nothing. Not the beautiful brown eyes that used to look at my mother like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. I’ve never seen him look at her like that, only in pictures. Right now, staring at him. He is nothing. I feel my legs start to move before I know what I’m doing._

Magnus starts to stand, slowly. _This man, this horrible man, is not my father._

“You’re not my father. You’re just some guy who fucked my mother and had to deal with the consequences.”

Magnus feels the sting of Asmodeus’ fist as soon as it reaches his jaw. The pain and the force knocks him to the floor and he looks up at  Asmodeus and down at his mother. She does nothing. Magnus stumbles to his feet and heads down the stairs, clutching his face. Magnus hears Asmodeus’ voice boom from the upstairs landing.  

“If you step out that door, don’t come back.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”

Magnus slams the door behind him, never bothering to look back. He just keeps walking. No Clary. No parents. _I want to disappear._

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a little longer to get this chapter up than I thought it would. It's been a busy week. As always, make sure to read the tags, they'll be updated with each chapter. I really hope that you guys continue to enjoy this. Also, Jace is only Alec's best friend in this, not his adoptive brother. This chapter is kind of a filler, but I hope that it's still okay. 
> 
> Well, anyway, enjoy!

 

Chapter 2

Magnus hasn’t stopped walking. And he won’t stop until he goes wherever his feet are taking him. Even though he doesn’t really know where that is. 

Stupid Asmodeus. He always ruins everything. Magnus had never seen him hit his mother before, and he certainly would have left if Asmodeus had hit him sooner. Magnus just thought he had anger management issues. He was always just an asshole, but now Magnus wished that he had never existed. He wished that he had different parents in a different town…  _ But I don’t. And there’s no point in wishing because wishes don’t come true. God, when did I become so cynical? _

Once Magnus finally stops walking, he realizes that his feet had taken him all the way to Alec’s house.  _ Why am I here? I should just turn around and go home. Except I can’t go home.  _

Magnus slowly starts walking up the steps. He pauses before he knocks lightly three times.  _ God, what am I doing? I should- _

Magnus’ thoughts are interrupted by the click of the doorknob. Alec opens the door, expecting someone else. 

“Hey Lyd- Oh, Magnus. Um, what’re you doing here?”

_ Damn it. Damn these stupid eyes and these stupid tears that are now streaming down my face. I didn’t cry on the entire trip over here and now I’m balling like an idiot in front of someone that I don’t even know anymore. _

“Oh my God, Magnus. What’s wrong?” Alec asks.

Magnus begins to cry even harder. Alec wraps his arms around him and tries to calm Magnus down. 

“Ssh… It’s going to be alright. Just come inside.”

Alec leads Magnus into the living room and sits him down on the couch. Alec walks into the kitchen and brings back a glass of water for Magnus before sitting down next to him on the puffy, gray couch. Everything in here is gray and turquoise. Alec’s mom must have designed it because it’s beautiful and modern. I could definitely use a little personality though… It feels more like a hotel than a home. 

Once Magnus calms down a little he manages to get out a squeaky “I’m sorry."

“Hey, don’t apologize. It’s okay.” Alec smiles at Magnus. “Just tell me what’s going on.”

Magnus tell him everything. He tells him about coming home to the yelling, about the 

giant bruise on his jaw… everything. And Alec just listens. He listens to everything so intently and doesn’t speak or move until Magnus is completely finished.  

“I’m… I’m so sorry Magnus.” Alec finally says after a long pause.

“I have nowhere to go. I just don’t know what to do.” Magnus can feel the tears burning his eyes again.  _ God Magnus, stop crying. You’re Fine.  _ “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t even be here… I don’t know why I came here.” Magnus starts to get up, but Alec puts his hand on Magnus’ shoulder. 

“Magnus, please sit back down. You can stay here for as long as you need to. I don’t want you all alone out there.”

“What about your family?”

“Well, my dad doesn’t live here anymore, my mom is in Hong Kong for a business trip and won’t be back for another month. I’ll call my mom and let her know that you’re here. Izzy won’t mind either, she loves having company. You can stay in the guest bedroom in the loft so you can have a bit of privacy.” 

“Are you sure, Alec? I don’t want to be a burden.”

“You’re not a burden, Maggie.”  _ He hasn’t called me that in ages.  _ “Besides, we have plenty of room.”

“Thank you so much, Alec.”

Alec shows Magnus to the guest bedroom where he’ll be staying. It doesn’t look like anyone has ever been in here, it looks pristine, untouched. It has the same gray and turquoise theme as the rest of the house. It looks beautiful, but it also looks empty, sad. Once Alec leaves, Magnus heads into the big tiled en suite bathroom. The bathtub is huge, one of those jacuzzi style tubs. Magnus turns on the faucet and begins filling the tub with hot water and bubbles.  _ I need to just relax… just for a second… a moment. But of course I can’t. How am I supposed to relax after everything that’s happened? _

After Magnus gives up on the bath, he takes a quick shower and throws on the fluffy white robe hanging on the bathroom door. He lays down on the bed and picks up Clary’s box. Magnus hasn’t actually opened the white notebook yet, so he quickly flips through the pages Only about half of the pages have been written on. Magnus starts to read the first page. 

**01/13/2017**

**Dear Magnus.**

**God, this is weird. Whatever. Okay, Magnus… I’ve decided to write you all of the things that I can’t actually tell you. Let’s see how this goes. I hate myself and I feel utterly useless. Valentine is trying to get back in contact with my mother, and I can tell that it’s taking a toll on her and Luke. I can also see how confused little Jonathan is, and it makes my heart break. I know that it could never be as bad as what you’re going through with your parents, but it’s still terrifying. It’s really hard to watch two people who were once so in love fight like they do…**

**The main problem is that I’m just tired. I don’t have the motivation to try anymore. I get upset over everything, even the tiniest stupid things. I don’t understand the things that I do or why I do them. It’s like I constantly have this voice in my head telling me “ just do it” “get it over with” “no one will miss you” “you’re worthless”. Would you miss me?**

**-Clary**

_ I miss you more than you will ever know Clary… _

_ Why didn’t she just tell me? If she would have told me, I could have helped her. I could have saved her. _

**01/26/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**I really don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like my entire world is crashing down around me… I feel like I’m in a war with myself, constantly trying to survive. You’re the only thing that makes me feel like I actually matter. I walk through the halls and I am invisible, drowning in a sea of insignificance that I just can’t swim out of.**

**-Clary**

 

…

 

Magnus wakes up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. He was dreaming of Clary. In the dream, he saw Clary holding a gun to her head. He’s screaming at her, pleading her to put the gun down, but she can’t hear him. No matter how loud he yells, she just can’t hear him. Alec comes running into the room in his boxers. 

“Magnus! What’s wrong? Are you okay?!”

“I-I’m fine. I was just having a nightmare.”

Alec sits down on the other side of the bed, still looking a bit shaken up. 

“Was it,” he hesitates, “about Clary?”

“Yeah, but I’m fine now.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Really Alec, I can handle it.”

“No, you can’t. I can tell you’re hurting. Magnus I care about-”

“Right. Now you care.”

“Hey, that’ not fair. You can’t still be mad at me for that… it was a long time ago.”

“No Alec, It wasn’t a long time ago. It might feel that way for you, but for me it feels like yesterday. When you left, you had somewhere to go, people to turn to. Clary and I only had each other. We had to figure out where to go all on our own. You have no idea how you leaving affected Clary, affected both of us. You have no clue.”

“I- I’m sorry Magnus… I thought that leaving was the best thing for Clary. I knew how she felt about Jace and I wanted to help her. To make it easier for her. I wanted her to be able to move on. Now that she’s gone, I won’t ever be able to tell her how sorry I am. And I truly am sorry, Magnus.”

Magnus tries to think of a way to respond to him, but he just can’t. Having this conversation with Alec is making Magnus realize just how angry he is. Alec wasn’t thinking of Clary when he left, he was thinking of himself. Does he even love Lydia? or was she just an excuse? 

Magnus doesn’t say anything Alec. They just sit in silence until Alec gets up and leaves, shutting the door softly behind him. Magnus lays back down and wraps himself in a tight cocoon of grey blankets and slowly drifts back to sleep. 

 

…

 

Magnus is woken up by from a soft knock on the door, he checks the time on his phone. The screen says 5:30 AM. 

“Hey Magnus, I just wanted to let you know that I have track practice. Is there anything that you need before I head out?” 

“No, I’m fine. Have fun.”

Magnus hears Alec walk downstairs and then the quiet click of the front door. Magnus tries to go back to sleep, but pretty soon, he realizes that he is fully awake. He turns on the lamp sitting on the nightstand next to the bed. Then, he pulls out the white notebook and flips to the next page. 

**01/31/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**Today you weren’t at school and it was awful. There was no one that I could talk to, nowhere that I could go. I was alone. Today was the perfect representation of how alone I feel constantly. There are people all around me, everywhere… but I feel alone, and so completely lonely. As my life keeps going on, I’m realizing more and more that I don’t have a purpose, I don’t have any effect on this world and I probably never will. Sometimes, I feel like there’s no point in trying anymore, that there’s nothing left for me here. Except for you, I don’t want to leave you behind.**

**-Clary**

_ But she did leave me behind, so what changed? I had no idea that she was feeling this worthless… I wish that I would have been a better friend. I should have known. It was my responsibility to save her, and I failed. I failed everyone.  _

Magnus remembers the day that she’s talking about. He stayed home because he was exhausted from a fight that he had had with Asmodeus the night before. It was around 2 in the morning when Magnus was woken up by a loud knock on his door. Asmodeus then proceeded to barge into Magnus’ room and start tearing it apart. He was yelling about how Magnus stole his car keys or some shit like that. He was heading for a business trip that morning and needed his car to get to the airport. He pulled Magnus out of bed and yelled at him to help look for his car keys. Magnus, his mom, and Asmodeus searched for an hour until Magnus found them in the pocket of Asmodeus’ jacket. How pathetic. It took Magnus and his mom all night to put the house back together. So, his mother let him stay home from school the next day. 

 

…

 

Magnus wakes up around noon the next day, considering that he didn’t fall asleep until around 6 AM. He walks downstairs and immediately runs into Izzy. 

“Magnus! I haven’t seen you in forever. How are you feeling?”

“Hey Izzy, it’s nice to see you. I’m kinda tired and hungry. I was just heading to the kitchen to make myself some food. Are you going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I was just heading to cheerleading practice. I can skip and make us some food if you want?”

Magnus didn’t remember a whole lot about Izzy, but one thing that he did know was that she could not cook. No matter how hard she tried. 

“No, no. That’s okay. Go have fun with your fellow cheerleaders.”

“Okay.” Izzy said, bringing Magnus in for a hug, “Just let me know if you need anything. And I mean anything.” 

Magnus always liked Izzy, but he was getting a little bit tired of everyone’s pitty. He wished that everyone would just let it go and let him handle it himself. 

Once Izzy left, Magnus’ stomach started to rumble. As much as Magnus hated eating and the entire concept of food, he knew that he would be in pain all day if he didn’t at least get something in his system. He opens the fridge, and much to Magnus surprise, there’s a plethora of fruits and vegetables. He had expected junk food. Magnus ends up making himself a very small spinach salad with mozzarella, tomatoes, and balsamic vinaigrette. As hungry as Magnus is, he still doesn’t feel like eating. Ever since Clary’s death, Magnus’ appetite has only gotten smaller. 

Magnus really should have known. She wasn’t eating either. He thinks back to all of the lunch periods that they shared. All of the times that she said she wasn’t hungry. Magnus starts to think back and realizes how stupid and ignorant he was. He should’ve noticed the bags under her eyes, the sadness that dulled their bright color. He should’ve noticed the puffiness in her face from crying, the way that she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked at herself like she was looking at someone else, like she hated what she saw.   _ I should’ve noticed that she never smiled, not like she used to. I saw her arm, I saw the straight, red lines and ignored them. I shouldn’t have ignored any of it.  _

_ There was so much that I could have done and I just didn’t. I knew that she was sad, we were both sad, but I always thought that I was the real sad one. I was wrong. Now I can never go back and tell her that I cared, that I noticed. That I could help her make it through this… _

Magnus’ thoughts are interrupted by the stomping of feet up to the door and 2 voices. Alec and… fuck. Magnus quickly grabs his bowl and ducks under the counter. Magnus had a feeling that if Lydia saw him in the kitchen in just his boxers, she might freak out. Magnus is honestly surprised that Lydia and Alec are still together. He always thought that Lydia was just an excuse to get away from him and Clary. 

“Thanks for going out to lunch with me today, babe. I know that you have a lot on your plate right now.” For once, Lydia sounds like a real person. Every encounter that Magnus has ever had with Lydia, she’s looked and acted like a barbie doll. She’s got long, blonde hair, and her eyes are the same bright blue as the sky. She always comes to school looking perfect, pink lipstick, high heels, and everything in between. 

“Anything for you my love.” Alec pecks her goodbye, and then kisses her again. And again. Magnus hears Lydia start to giggle.  _ I swear to God if they have sex on this counter, I’m going to vomit everywhere.  _ Finally, they stop kissing, and exchange their goodbyes. As soon as Magnus hears the front door click, he springs up from behind the counter. 

“Jesus Christ!” Alec jumps back and just stares at Magnus for a minute. He pauses, and then immediately starts laughing. 

“What the fuck were you doing behind the counter?”

_ I’ve missed this laugh. I mean, I still hate his guts. But I’ve missed his laugh.  _

“Honestly, I panicked and tried to do one of those movie moment things. And it worked so…”

Alec laughs again. 

“I told her you were staying here. So, you don’t have to worry about jumping behind anymore counters.” 

Alec walks out of the room and the happiness drains out of the room with him. Clary loved his laugh, but after he stopped talking to us, her ears would get red. They always got red when she was angry. But pretty soon anger turned into nothing and she simply learned to ignore his existence. Who could blame her? He was a jerk. 

 

…

 

Magnus walks back upstairs and lays back down. When he reaches the door, he sees the white journal laying on the bed.  _ It’s staring at me. Taunting me with the information that I still have to learn about my best friend. My dead best friend.  _

Magnus opens the cover and traces his fingers over the words that she wrote months before she… well you know what she did. Magnus flips to the page where he left off and starts reading without hesitation. 

**02/05/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**Hey again, sorry I’m depressed.**

**-Clary**

**02/09/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**Fuck. I hate this. I hate all of this. This feeling that I can’t do anything, this feeling of exhaustion even though I’m asleep whenever I’m not with you. I want to be able to go back. To go back before Jace, before Asmodeus came back. Just us. Together. Always. What happened to me? I used to be so pure. Untainted. And now I’m ruined by these scars on my thighs and my obsession with the lack of space between them. I’m ruined.**

**-Clary**

_ But she wasn’t ruined to me. She was perfect.  _

 

…

 

Magnus must have fallen asleep again because he wakes up in a cold sweat and hears the sound of water running downstairs. Alec’s probably in the kitchen. Magnus checks his phone, it’s currently 7:00 PM. His stomach rumbles again, but he chooses to ignore it. No part of him feels like eating anyways. Or getting out of bed.  _ God. I am so fucking pathetic.  _

After about 20 minutes, Magnus finally wills himself to get out of bed. Part of him really wants to go home, but he knows that he can’t do that. Not until Asmodeus is gone. Magnus walks down the stairs and heads towards the kitchen. He still doesn’t feel like eating, but he also knows that he can’t just not eat. But food is also the last thing that he wants right now.  _ My relationship with food is even worse than my relationship with my father. I’m pathetic, remember? _

Magnus walks into the bathroom and turns on the faucet to rinse his face. He stares at himself in the mirror.  _ I’m not particularly thin, but I’m also not particularly heavy either. I’m… average. Average weight, average height. Just average. I’ve also never thought that I’m particularly pretty either. Again, just average.  _

Magnus used to not feel so average. Back before Asmodeus came back, he used to dress in the most eccentric, beautiful outfits. He use to wear eyeliner and lipgloss. He used to smile more. Definitely more than average. 

Once Magnus finishes washing his face, he heads back towards the kitchen. It seems Alec is done with his shower. Magnus becomes very aware of two things. One: He didn’t pack any clothes. Two: Alec is not wearing anything underneath that white towel. Jesus. He should just turn around and walk right back upstairs. But instead, he stands there like a fucking idiot, paralyzed by Alec’s very wet and defined back muscles. Like, God, who even has a back like that? Slim yet muscular? Does that even exist?  _ I didn’t think it could exist- _

“Shit, Magnus. You scared me.”  _ Alec has already turned around. Oh no. Why did he have to turn around. _

“Uh.”  _ I a such an idiot. _

“Oh… uh… sorry about uh…”

“No, no. You’re good. This is your house, you do you.” Magnus says, trying incredibly hard not to stare at Alec’s very bare chest. 

It also becomes very apparent to magnus that he is wearing about as much as Alec is. 

“Also, I uh… don’t have any clothes.”  _ God, if you’re up there, please don’t ever make anything this awkward ever again.  _

“Oh, don’t even worry. I would say you can borrow some of mine, but I honestly don’t have very much. We can take my mom’s emergency card and get you some stuff.”

“Are you sure that’s okay?”

“Absolutely.” Alec says with a smile. He has this weird lopsided grin and only one dimple. 

“You should probably… put some clothes on.” Magnus says like the awkward teen he is. 

“Right. I mean, you should too. I’ll grab you a t shirt and some sweats for shopping.”

“Right.” And after standing there for an awkwardly long amount of time, Magnus turns around and heads back upstairs. Alec knocks on the door a few minutes later, fully dressed, with some clothes for Magnus. Magnus thanks him and then shuts the door in order to get dressed. He looks down at the black ripped jeans from a couple of days ago. It feels like it’s been ages since then… 

Magnus finds Alec waiting in the kitchen. Magnus actually spent a bit of time trying to make himself look somewhat presentable. It probably didn’t work. Magnus knows that he still looks like a mess because he is still a mess. And he feels incredibly guilty about that weird moment with Alec. He thinks Clary might actually kill him if she found out… but she killed herself instead. 

“You ready?” Alec’s wearing a Pink Floyd shirt and blue jeans.  _ I hate Pink Floyd.  _

“Yep. To Walmart.”

“Walmart?”

Right, rich white boys don’t do Walmart.

“You know, the place us poor people go shopping. I’m not about to spend your moms money at fucking Gucci or some shit. I just need something to wear.” 

Alec laughs at that. 

“Walmart it is. So, your car or mine?”  _ Shit. _

“Oh… actually my car’s still in the school parking lot…”

“Gotchya…” Alec grabs his keys and starts walking towards the door that leads to the garage. Jesus fucking Christ. Magnus knew that Alec would have a nice car, but a G-Wagon? Does he even have enough friends to drive around in this thing?

“What?” Alec asks, watching Magnus gaze at his very overpriced vehicle. 

“Nothing.” Magnus walks over to the passenger side and hops in. It’s even nicer inside, very limo-esque. Magnus feels like he should be holding a glass of champagne. Or maybe wishes he was holding a glass of champagne. 

“Do you want to play some music or something?” Alec asks, gesturing the aux cord towards Magnus.

“Sure.” Magnus takes the aux cord and plays “Ribs” by Lorde. 

“Nice to know that your music taste hasn’t changed much. Still depressing as ever.”

“Well, in case you didn’t know, I’m still depressing as ever.”

“Right.”

Sometimes Magnus forgets that people, normal people, aren’t as cynical as he is. Maybe depression jokes aren’t the best idea right now. 

When they make it to Walmart, Magnus starts to get out of the car, but Alec stops him. 

“Magnus,” he hesitates, “I’m sorry.”

“I kno-”

“No… you don’t. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to know how sorry I am. You guys were- Clary was my best friend and I was such a fucking idiot for leaving. It all seems so trivial now. The reason why I left. And now, I can never take it back.” 

Magnus can see the tears starting to well in Alec’s eyes.  _ I want so badly to forgive him…  _

“Alec…”

“Just, nevermind.”

Alec wipes his eyes quickly and then gets out of the car.  _ God, I fucked that one up. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you guys liked it, please let me know what you think in the comments. The next chapter will be up sometime next week. 
> 
> Also, my tumblr is https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sukibabe61. You can follow it if you want. I'll be posting on there when new chapters are up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a bit longer to post this chapter, it's been a busy week for me. If anyone wants to proofread my chapters before I post them, it would be much appreciated. I hate it when spelling and grammar errors get in the way of a story. 
> 
> Also, a lot of people mentioned that Alec is an asshole in this story. he is, but just in the beginning. i promise that he gets better and is just trying to figure himself out. 
> 
> Anyway, please remember to read through the tags again, and I hope that y'all enjoy this chapter!

When Magnus finally gets out of the car, Alec is halfway to the entrance. Once Magnus catches up with Alec, he realizes that they are definitely not going to talk about what just happened in the car. 

“Are you sure your mom would be cool with buying me some clothes?”

“I think she would definitely prefer that over you walking around naked.” They both laugh… but there’s still a weird air surrounding them.

In the end, Magnus ends up buying three shirts, a winter coat, and two pairs of jeans. Plus socks and a pack of hanes boxers. He also needed some toiletries, so he picks some shower stuff up and a toothbrush. Surprisingly, it’s not too awkward anymore. 

“Hey, do you want some snacks too? I want to make sure that you’re comfortable.” Alec smiles softly at Magnus. 

“No, no. I’m totally fine with what you have at the house. I’m not picky.” Alec laughs at that. 

“I may not have talked to you in a while, but you and I both know that’s a lie.”

“Shut up.” 

“I’m right and you know it.”

They check out and Magnus pretends not to notice Alec sneak a bag of Funyuns into the cart. Magnus is surprised that Alec remembers that Funyuns are his favorite. They’re his kryptonite. But, in a way, so was Clary. 

They get back to the car and it’s silent all the way back to Alec’s house.  _ I wish I knew what to say. I wish that I could tell him that it’s okay. That Clary forgave him… That I forgive him. But I could never lie to Alexander.  _

When they finally get home, Magnus heads straight upstairs and picks up the notebook. Suddenly, Magnus feels really guilty.  It’s like he forgot about Clary for a minute. He actually felt happy with Alec in the kitchen earlier. He even thought about…  _ Got, I don’t even want to think about it anymore.  _

**02/14/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**Today’s Valentines Day and I’m alone. Not that I’ve ever not been alone during Valentine’s day, but something about this year feels worse than all of the others. I can’t quite figure it out… I know that I should be happy that you’re with Camille this year, but I’m just not. It’s probably just because my depression has been getting much worse. I want to ask for help, but I don’t know. I’m just worried no one will believe me, you know?**

**-Clary**

_ Of course I would have believed you Clary. I know exactly what it’s like to feel like no one would believe you… _

Camille. Magnus had successfully gone without thinking about her since Clary died, and he certainly wasn’t going to start now. The last time he had seen her was the night of Clary’s suicide. Thus why Magnus was passed out and alone in his bedroom. 

**02/15/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**Well, Valentine's Day is officially over, thank God. I’m really glad that you had a good day though (** _ ha _ **). Thank you so much for everything that you do. I’m sorry that I don’t appreciate it more. I want to be happy, because you need me to be happy, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this facade. I want to cry, but I can’t. I can’t feel anything anymore. Please tell me what to do. Please help me.**

**-Clary**

_ I keep having this day dream where I found this before she died. I would accidentally stumble upon it and I would hear her cry for help. I wish, more than anything, that it wasn;t just a dream. That I would’ve helped her get into therapy. That I would’ve helped at all. She was in so much pain, and she was telling me. Why couldn’t I have found it? It’s all my fault that she’s gone. It was all right there, all right in front of my goddamn face and I was so oblivious. How could I not have noticed? _

Magnus’ thoughts are interrupted by the doorbell ringing. It’s probably just Lydia. He hears Alec go to answer the door, but there’s now multiple voices coming from downstairs. They’re all laughing and talking excitedly. A few minutes later, Magnus hears a soft knock on his door. 

“Come in.”

Magnus sees Izzy’s head peek through the door. 

“Hey Magnus, Alec and I invited some friends over to play games. I was wondering if you maybe wanted to come join us?” 

Magnus kind of wanted to say no, but Isabelle’s puppy eyes got the best of him.

“Sure Izzy, just give me a minute and I’ll be right down.”

After Izzy heads back downstairs, Magnus throws on a purple t-shirt and some black jeans. He then goes into the bathroom to at least try and fix his hair. After a lot of tampering, it looks decent. Magnus still looks incredibly tired, but it will just have to do. Magnus then slides on the white bunny slippers on the bathroom floor and heads downstairs to meet everyone. 

He recognizes everyone from school, but he doesn’t actually know everyones name. Magnus expects everyone to go quiet as soon as he walks into the room, but instead they all smile at him. 

“Hey! I’m Maia. I’m in the cheerleading squad with Izzy.”

“Hey, I’m Magnus.”

Izzy speaks next, “This is Simon, my boyfriend.”

“Hey dude.”

“Aren’t you the one with the really terrible band?” Magnus asks. Everyone laughs except for Simon. 

“Ouch.”

“I mean, he’s not wrong.” Magnus immediately tenses. He knows that voice. Jace’s voice. He looks at  Alec who’s looking right back at him, pleading for something. What that might be, Magnus has no clue. 

Magnus sits down in between Alec and Maia and chooses to ignore Jace’s presence for now. He can deal with that later. Right now, he just wants to have fun. 

“So,” Alec pipes up, “I was thinking that we could play Mario Party 6.” Everyone cheers except for Izzy. 

“You guys always gang up on me!”

“Well, then I guess you’ll just have to learn to be better babe,” Simon winks at Izzy, who fake pouts at him. Magnus is a but surprised to see that Lydia isn’t there, but he doesn’t question it. There’s definitely enough puke worthy love going on between isabelle and simon. Magnus doesn’t really think he could handle seeing any more of it. 

Since there’s six people, they all decide to split into teams; Maia and Izzy, Simon and Jace, and Alec and Magnus. Izzy was definitely right, everyone began ganging up on her. Maia would even mess up sometimes on purpose just to mess with her. It might have seemed a little bit mean, but everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves. Izzy wasn’t actually bothered by it, she just liked throwing a fit. Especially since Simon would give her a kiss everytime she would pout. In the end, Alec and Magnus ended up winning. 

“That’s not fair! You win everytime Alec.” Simon whines. 

“Hey, you agreed to play this game again, it’s not my fault that Magnus and I kicked your ass.” Alec reaches his hand up for a high five and Magnus finds himself reaching up his own to meet Alec’s hand. Alec does that thing where he grabs Magnus’ hand, and for a minute Magnus sees something in Alec’s eyes that he doesn’t quite understand. He decides to push that image far from his mind. Whatever the look was in Alec’s eyes was. It was dangerous.

As the casual chatting continues, Magnus’ eyes wander towards Jace. Even though Jace is laughing along and talking with everyone else, Magnus can tell that it doesn’t fully reach his eyes. He definitely understands what Clary saw in him. Jace is conventionally attractive and has a very open personality. Almost the exact opposite of Clary, but maybe they would have been good together. If things were different. 

Magnus can feel the sadness creeping back in again. He misses Clary. He was having fun with these people, but it would have been way more fun if Clary had been there to experience it. It was always just Clary and Magnus in their own little bubble. Magnus thinks Clary probably would have enjoyed meeting new people. People who weren’t Camille. 

When the dark thoughts about Clary really begin to creep in again, Magnus excuses himself from the group, claiming exhaustion. He honestly just wants to go back upstairs and read more of the entries in Clary’s journal. Once he makes it into the guest room, he takes off his jeans and puts back on the fluffy white robe. As wonderful as this house is, it’s really cold in the loft, and the robe is incredibly soft and comfy.  

Magnus lays down on the bed and opens the journal. 

**03/20/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**It’s been a little while since I’ve written you anything… I honestly just haven’t known what to say. I don’t want to keep saying the same things over and over again. You’ve been hanging out with Camille a lot, and I know that I should be happy for you guys… and I am. I’m just really lonely. And I know that we still hang out basically all of the time, I just miss when it was just the two of us. I know that it’s selfish and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m a selfish, sad, piece of shit.**

**-Clary**

But she wasn’t selfish. She was right. Camille was bad for Magnus. And he never should have let such a toxic and abusive person take away the one thing that made him smile. Clary. 

**04/08/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**So, summer is coming soon… And I know that I should be excited. But I’m just not. I’m afraid that as soon summer starts you’ll completely forget about me. Which I know is completely ridiculous… but it’s hard to not think that way. You hang out with Camille all of the time now and it’s starting to scare me… I need you. And I don’t know if I can handle you leaving me behind.**

**-Clary**

Magnus can feel a panic attack coming on, but he keeps reading. Camille ruined everything, but Magnus let her. He let her use him. 

**04/27/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**I’m failing all of my classes… And I honestly just don’t know what to do about it. I’ve never even gotten a C before. Mr. Fell keeps trying to talk to me about it, but I honestly just don’t even know what I would say. Like, sorry Mr. Fell, I just don’t have any passion in life anymore and don’t see the point in living.  And I wish that I could tell you all of this, but you seem so happy with Camille and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I guess that I honestly feel like she’s replacing me, but I know that I can’t be upset about it. You deserve to be happy. Maybe I just don’t.**

**-Clary**

Magnus slams the notebook shut.  _ Of course you deserved to be happy Clary! I was being a piece of shit. I thought that I was in love with her, but she just destroyed everything. I wish that I would have made it clear to you that you could talk to me about anything. I wish that you would have told me… but it’s my fault that you didn’t. It’s my fault that you’re gone. _

In that moment, something snapped in Magnus. His mind started to race and he started to think of all of the reasons why it was his fault. Camille, his family, his ignorance. All of it was part of the reason why Clary felt so alone and like she couldn’t talk to him. Magnus deserved to hurt. And he needed to hurt now. 

Magnus gets up from the bed, wiped the tears from his eyes and heads to the bathroom. He starts opening all of the cabinets, looking for something, anything to hurt himself with.  _ She was in so much pain, and you didn’t notice. You just fucked around with some girl who never even cared about you instead. Who still doesn’t care about you.  _ Eventually, Magnus finds a razor in the shower. He breaks the head off and works on getting the blade out. 

_ The night that Clary died, you were at home, drunk. All because of something that happened with Camille. Which was also your fault, by the way. What she did to you was your fault and Clary killed herself because you were a shitty friend. You’re worthless. No one will ever be able to love someone as broken and damaged as you. You deserve this. _

Magnus gets the blade out, and holds it up to his wrist.  _ You deserve to hurt.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope that you all enjoyed, please let me know what you thought in the comments. 
> 
> I've been having trouble posting on my tumblr, so I'm gonna link my twitter page here instead. Feel free to follow me, I will be posting when each chapter is up on there. My username is @Malec_forever__


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's the next chapter, I hope that you enjoy!
> 
> As always, please read the updated tags.

Magnus gets the blade out, and holds it up to his wrist.  _ You deserve this.  _

“Hey, Magnus. I just wanted to come check on you before-” Alec sees Magnus holding the blade to his wrist, looking at himself in the mirror. Looking at himself with so much hatred that it immediately makes Alec’s heart break. Alec acts quickly, running towards Magnus. 

“Magnus stop!” Alec says, tearing the blade out of Magnus’ hand. 

“No! You don’t understand. I  _ need _ to do this. I deserve this.” Magnus screams, reaching to grab the blade back from Alec. Alec tosses the blade behind him and grabs Magnus’ wrists. Magnus is hysterical, screaming and crying and trying to break out of Alec’s grip. 

“Please Alec, I need to do this.” 

Alec brings Magnus towards him and wraps his arms around him. His voice comes out low and soft. 

“No, Magnus. You don’t need to do this. You are worth so much more than this.”

Magnus sinks into Alecs embrace, finally giving in. He immediately begins to sob. 

“Ssshh… It’s going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.” 

They stay like this, arms wrapped around each other until Magnus calms down. Once Alec pulls away, he takes Magnus’ arm and looks at it. There’s blood dripping down his arm, but the cut doesn’t look too deep. Alec grabs the razor off of the floor and flushes it down the toilet, he then reaches into the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and grabs the first aid kit. Alec then takes a wet towel and cleans off the wound. He wraps it up and then looks at Magnus. 

“I’m so sorry Magnus.”

“Why are you sorry?” 

“Because you’re in so much pain… and I know that I’m part of the reason why. What I did to you and Clary, it was awful. Neither of you deserved that. And all because of some stupid-”

“Alexander, stop. You didn’t do this. I did. It wasn’t because of you. I just started to think about Clary and… and Camille.”   

“Camille? Didn’t you guys break up a while ago?”

Magnus takes a deep breath, “Can we go sit down…  I don’t think that I can handle having this conversation in here.”

“Magnus, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“No, I need to. I can’t keep holding this in.” 

Alec nods his head and takes Magnus’ hand. Alec honestly doesn’t quite trust Magnus to actually follow him, not after what just happened. He starts to lead Magnus down to the living room, but Magnus stops him.

“I don’t think that I can face everyone else right now.”

“Don’t worry, everyone left and Izzy went to sleep. I would never expect you to be around a large group of people after what just happened.” 

Alec continues leading Magnus to the living room, and then they both sit down on the couch. They just sit there for a second. Magnus can tell that Alec is waiting for him to start the conversation. He appreciates that Alec is giving him a minute to get his thoughts in order. After sitting for a few minutes, Magnus starts to speak. “I started dating Camille at the end of January. She was popular, as you know, and she was a cheerleader. I had never dated anyone before and she was the first person to show any interest in me. I didn’t really understand what she saw in me, but she made me really happy. She accepted me for who I was and told me that my differences made me special. She told me that she loved me on Valentine’s Day, and I believed her. Once summer started, everything changed. She started to get really possessive and convinced me to start partying. I loved her with everything that I had, and she ended up using it against me.” Magnus can feel the tears starting to burn his eyes, but he continues anyway. No one knows the full story, and Magnus needs someone to finally understand what happened. “Eventually, she drained so much out of me, that I couldn’t take it anymore. We got into a huge fight, and she slapped me. In that moment, I knew that it was over. I knew that I couldn’t be with someone who acted just like my dad. So, in September, I broke up with her.”

“Magnus…  I’m so sorry that that happened to you. If you guys broke up in September, why were you thinking about her today?”

Magnus sighs. He knew that this was going to come up. And as much as he had been hiding from it, he needed to accept what happened to him. He needed to move on. 

“On November 23rd… The night that Clary died, I went to a party. It was stupid and I don’t really know why I did it, but I was in a self deprecate-y mood. Camille was there, which definitely didn’t help my mood, and so I drank. A lot. And I danced and kissed a bunch of random people because I knew that it would make her jealous and I wanted to make her feel the way that I felt. The details are a little bit fuzzy, but at some point, I left the dance floor to go to the bathroom. I wasn’t feeling very well and I kind of just wanted to sit down. I didn’t realize that Camille was following me…

*** Flashback***

“Magnussss, where are you going? I was going to ask you to dance.”

“I don’t want to dance with you.” Magnus may not be able to think super clearly, but he knew that the last thing he wanted was to dance with Camille. She would just end up kissing him and getting him to go back to her. He didn’t want to fall for her tricks again.

“Come on, you know that you want to.” Camille was slurring all of her words and began to pull Magnus towards her. 

“Come on, Camille. Let go of me.” 

“No. You’re coming with me.” Camille said with a devilish smirk on her face. Magnus didn’t want to follow her, but she had him cornered. How bad could it actually be?

Camille grabbed Magnus’ hand and pulled him to the nearest room. Magnus’ mind was swirling. He was drunk, too drunk. Nothing was making sense anymore and he didn’t notice that they were in someone’s bedroom until Camille was pushing him down onto the bed. He felt her lips on him before he could process what was going on. 

“Camille… Camille stop.”

“Ssshhh, just relax and enjoy this.”

At some point, Magnus remendered trying to push Camille off of him, but she grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head. 

“You’re so beautiful Magnus. And I want everyone to know you’re mine.”

Magnus felt her undo his pants and slide them down his legs. He knew that he didn’t want this, but he had no clue what to do. He was a guy, he was supposed to want this. Camille was now on top of him, and Magnus was completely powerless. He felt like he could do nothing but let it happen. Magnus had never had sex before… but he knew that it wasn’t supposed to be like this.  

After it was over, Camille got dressed, and left. Magnus just laid there for a minute. He couldn’t move. In that moment, he felt disgusting. Ruined. Things like that didn’t happen to men. He could have pushed her off of him if he had really tried. He could have moved. But he didn’t. Eventually, Magnus got up and put his pants on. He walked downstairs grabbed a bottle of vodka, and started to walk home. His house wasn’t too far away, but it was still a struggle walking home because of how drunk he was By the time that he finally made it to his house, he had already downed half of the bottle. He walked upstairs, laid on his bed, and immediately fell asleep. 

***End of Flashback***

Alec just sat there for minute after Magnus was done speaking. He didn’t know what to say. Magnus immediately started to panic.  _ I shouldn’t have told him any of that. He’s going to tell me that it wasn’t a big deal and that it was all my fault.  _

“I… I know that it was my fault and that I could have stopped it-”

“Magnus, no.” Alec turns towards Magnus. “None of that was your fault, please stop saying that it was your fault. What happened to you, shouldn’t happen to anyone. I am so sorry that you went through that. Please don’t ever tell yourself that your feeling are invalid. Just because you’re not a girl doesn’t make your experience any less than anyone else’s. She’s a horrible human being who did something terrible to you. She assaulted you. This is on her. Not on you.”

Magnus wasn’t exactly sure what to say… Everyone had always told him that sexual assault didn’t happen to boys. Hearing that his experience was valid, made Magnus feel things that he didn’t quite understand.

“I’m sorry for what you saw earlier… You were never supposed to see that.”

“Please don’t apologize. I’m glad that I found you. You needed help, and you weren’t ever going to tell me. I know that I can’t just tell you not to do it, because it’s an addiction, but just let me say that you are worth so much. And the things that you have gone through do not define you. Camille didn’t do what she did because you deserved it, she did it to try and control you. And Magnus…” Alec pauses, “Clary didn’t kill herself because of you.”

Alec said the last part so quietly that Magnus barely heard it. But he heard it. He wasn’t sure if he believed it, but he heard it. 

“Thank you.”

“Alec?”

“Yeah?”

“I forgive you.”

Magnus looks at Alec, and sees the small, sad smile on Alec’s face. 

“Thank you.” 

Magnus can hear the doubt in Alec’s voice, but he chooses to ignore it for the time being It’s been a really long night, and they both deserve to relax for a little. Magnus looks out the window to see the sun beginning to rise. 

“Fuck, I kept you up all night. You have school today. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, don’t apologize. You needed this. Do you want me to stay home today?”

“No, no. Please go. I can’t keep you from going during finals week.”

“Magnus…” Alec starts. Magnus knows what he’s going to say.

“I promise that I won’t do it again. What I did last night was a mistake, and I honestly just want to sleep.”

“Okay… Izzy only has a half day and she’s bringing the cheerleading squad over here for a lunch meeting. If you need anything, please text me. I’ll leave school in a second if something goes wrong. Or if you’re thinking about… you know.” 

Magnus’ heart hurts when he thinks of about all of the things that he’s put Alec through this week. 

“Okay. Please try and get a little bit of sleep before school. You’ve already missed track practice.”

“I will.” Alec gets up from the couch and starts to head towards his bedroom. 

“And Alec.”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for not judging me.”

Alec smiles and nods at Magnus before turning back towards his bedroom. Once Magnus gets up, he realizes just how exhausted he is. He heads upstairs, lays down, and immediately falls asleep.   

 

…

 

Magnus slowly blinks his eyes open. Falling asleep at such a weird time always makes Magnus feel disoriented when he wakes up. He leans over and picks up his phone, the screen says it is currently 2:30. Magnus is incredibly dehydrated from all of the crying, so he decides to get up and get some water. He goes to the bathroom and fills up the glass on the counter. He chugs the whole thing. Magnus looks and feels gross after falling asleep in his clothes, so he decides to take a shower. He undresses and begins to unwrap the gauze on his arm. He studies the small, red line. It’s a pretty shallow cut, and he’ glad that Alec stopped him before he could go any deeper. 

Magnus steps into the shower and lets the warm water envelop him. Last night was a really important night for him. He finally feels like Camille is no longer controlling his life. Her toxicity is gone, and Magnus is finally going to be able to move on. 

After he showers, Magnus dries off and puts on the shirt and sweats that Alec had leant him for their trip to Walmart. The clothes are a bit too big for him, but they’re comfortable and warm. He combs through his hair and brushes his teeth. This is the best that he has felt since the day that Clary died, and while he feels a little bit guilty, he knows that Clary just wanted him to be happy.  _ I’m trying, Clary. I promise.  _

After Magnus is done brushing his teeth, he slips on the white bunny slippers and heads downstairs. He hasn’t eaten anything for 24 hours, and he is starving. There’s a bag of funyuns downstairs that’s calling his name. He walks down the stairs and into the kitchen. He is immediately greeted with a dozen girls in cheerleading outfits laughing and eating snacks. Right. Izzy’s meeting. Magnus had completely forgotten that they were going to be here. The football season is over for now, but they are probably discussing what to do for the basketball team in the spring. 

“Magnus! Hey. I meant to tell you that I was inviting the girls over last night, but I completely forgot.”

“Oh, no worries. This is your hou-”

“Magnus? Is that you?” 

_ Fuck. Please don’t let this be happening.  _

“Oh my God, it is you!” Camille squeals and runs over, wrapping Magnus in a hug. Magnus does not reciprocate.

“C-Camille. Hi.”

“It’s so good to see you Magnus. I’m  _ so _ sorry about what happened to Clary. You must be so devastated.” Everyone in the room goes silent. Magnus just stares blankly at Camille. Fuck her. She has no right to speak about Clary. Magnus’ blood starts to boil, and something in him just snaps.

“Do not bring her up Camille. You have no right.”

“I was just saying-”

“No, it doesn’t matter what you were saying. You were the one who told me I wasn’t allowed to be friends with her anymore and look what happened. Don’t ever say her name again.” At that same moment, Magnus hears the front door open. 

“Hey everyo-” Alec stops in his track. “Get out Camille.”

“Excuse me?” Camille says, acting like she’s the victim of this situation. 

“Get  _ the fuck _ out of my house. Now.”

“Fine. I’m talking to the coach about this, Isabelle.” Camille says, gathering her things in a huff and stomping out of the house. She slams the door and Alec immediately grabs Magnus and pulls him out of the kitchen. 

“Magnus, Magnus are you okay?”

“I’m fine. She brought up Clary...but for some reason it just pissed me off more than anything.”

“I’m so sorry Magnus. I completely forgot that she was on the team.”

Izzy walks out of the kitchen and quickly walks over to Alec and Magnus.

“Um, what just happened?”

Alec looks at Magnus, a question in his eyes. Magnus nods. There’s no point in keeping this from Izzy. She needs to know if one of her cheerleaders is a fucking horrible person. 

“Izzy… Camille raped Magnus.”

Izzy’s eyes immediately widen and she puts her hand over her open mouth. 

“Oh my God, Magnus. I am so sorry,” Izzy begins to cry, “If I would have known I would have never brought her here and I’ll make sure she gets kicked off of the team and-”

“Izzy, Izzy it’s okay.” Magnus says, placing his hands on her shoulders to get her to stop pacing. “You couldn’t have known, please don’t blame yourself. I only told Alec about it last night. No one else knows.”

“Are you going to go to the police?” Izzy asks frantically.

“Honestly, with everything that’s going on right now. I don’t think I could handle it.”

“Okay… Magnus, I promise that she’ll never be over here again.”

“Thank you, Iz.” Izzy walks back into the kitchen and tells all of the girls that they should go home. Everyone is asking her what happened but she just says that it is none of their business, but Camille will no longer be on the team. No one questions it. Maybe Camille wasn’t as popular as Magnus thought. 

Alec turns towards Magnus, “I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go to dinner with me and some friends. I promise there won’t be any surprise guests. Just Maia, Simon, Izzy, and Jace. 

“As much as I would love to, I’m honestly still exhausted. Especially after that disaster. But if you guys come here after, I would love to say hi.”

“Okay, Magnus. Do you want me to stay with you?”

“No, please. Go with your friends. Have fun. You deserve it.”

“Okay. Just please call me if you need anything. Do you want me to bring anything home for you from dinner?”

“No, that’s okay. I seem to remember a bag of funyuns in the cupboard that someone bought at Walmart.”

Alec laughs, “That’s not actually a meal… but okay. Let me know if you change your mind.”

“I will.” Magnus says before heading upstairs. He just needs to lay down right now. Seeing Camille was incredibly overwhelming. Once he makes it to the room, he sits on the bed and stares at the white notebook. He needs to keep reading. To understand. Even if it hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought in the comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, here's the next chapter! I hope that you all enjoy it.

**05/22/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**Junior year is over… but I still feel the same way I did when it started.**

**-Clary**

**06/02/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**I officially don’t like Camille (** _ you and me both _ **). She’s trying to steal you from me,**

**which I know sounds ridiculous… but it’s true. I can tell that she gets jealous whenever you hang out with me. And everytime you are with me, she’s texting you constantly. Summer school is starting tomorrow and I honestly don’t think that I’m going to do any better than I did during the actual school year. Especially since you won’t be there to help me. I’m still so fucking miserable.**

**-Clary**

_ God, Clary knew even before I did that Camille was bad for me. I wish I would have realized that sooner. _

Clary was Magnus’ rock, she always kept him grounded. And when he was dating Camille, Camille figured that out quickly. That’s why she was so against them being friends, because she knew that Clary would see straight through her bullshit.

_ I’m so sorry Clary… I hope that you would’ve been able to forgive me. _

**05/30/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**To everyone’s surprise, I’m actually passing summer school. Mr. Aldertree has been helping me a lot, even outside of class. Even though he’s the English teacher, he’s been helping me with everything… I guess, in all honesty, I’m using school as a way to distract myself from the fact that Camille is using you. She always makes you go to parties simply so she can show you off to all of her shitty, jealous friends. You don’t even like parties… At least I thought that you didn’t. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.**

**-Clary**

_ But you did matter Clary. You matter more than you will ever know. _

Magnus hadn’t realized how hard it was going to be to read through these entries. When he started, he was angry at Clary. He felt like she made the decision to leave him behind. He was making her suicide about himself, but it was never about him. Clary was silently suffering, and Magnus was still only thinking about himself. He’s done being selfish.

She needed him, and he wasn’t there… but it’s too late now. It’s too late for Magnus to tell her that he loves her and that he will never give up on her. And that hurts. It hurts to know that you ran out of time with someone that you loved so much.

He decides to take a quick break from reading and actually break into those funyuns. It’s currently 5:30 PM so Izzy and Alec have probably already left for dinner with their friends. A part of Magnus wishes that he had gone, but another part of him knows that he wouldn’t have been able to actually enjoy it, especially after seeing Camille. As much as he’s ready to move on, it still hurts to think about all the things she did to him. One night isn’t going to erase all of that trauma.   

Magnus opens the cupboard, and sure enough, there’s an untouched bag of funyuns staring back at him. Magnus hesitates. His mind is getting to him again.  _ You don’t want those. They’re not good for you. You shouldn’t eat them. You don’t deserve th- Stop. Just stop. I want to eat this fucking back of funyuns, and you know what? I’m gonna eat them.     _

Magnus grabs the bag and rips it open. He pops a funyun in his mouth and chews. He missed these. He missed enjoying food, or enjoying life. Magnus is fully aware that he’s probably going to hate himself later, and that that voice is still going to be there… but right now, right now he gets to enjoy a bag of funyuns. He eats a few more chips and then heads back upstairs with the bag. He sits down on his bed and opens the notebook again.

**07/17/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**There’s only a month until school starts again. I actually think I’m going to be able to start senior year with everyone else… and you… and Camille.**

**-Clary**

**08/20/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**School starts tomorrow… maybe you’ll actually start paying attention to me again. The good news is that Mr. Aldertree said that he’ll keep working with me and helping me with my schoolwork. Magnus… I miss you so much. And I know that she makes you happy, but she’s so possessive over you. Fuck. I wish I was happy.**

**-Clary**

Magnus feels tears start to fall on his face. He’s done so much crying over the past month, but he can’t help it… Christmas is in two weeks and she’s not going to be there. She’s not going to get to open presents with her family, or drink eggnog, or eat Christmas cookies. And Magnus is never going to get to see her eyes light up again when she watches her family open their presents, or watch her happy cry when her parents remember exactly what she wanted. Magnus is never going to be able to hug his best friend again, and that’s a hard thing to finally realize.

Magnus hears the door open, and checks the time. It’s now 7:00 PM. Alec and Izzy are probably getting home. Magnus hears more than two voices, so he assumes that everyone else came back to hang out. He wants to go down and hang out with them, maybe laugh a little, but he doesn’t want to ambush them. Especially because they might know about what  happened with Camille today.

After a few minutes, Magnus hears three knocks on the door. Alec. He always knocks softly, three times.

“Come in.”

“Hey Maggie,”  _ there’s that nickname again,  _ “Everyone was wondering if you maybe want to come down and hang out?”

“Sure, that sound like fun.” Alec looks down at the empty bag of funyuns and then smiles at Magnus.

“I’m glad you enjoyed the funyuns that I bought you.” Magnus immediately tenses, feeling embarrassed. He hadn’t intended to eat the entire bag. Alec immediately sees the shift in Magnus’ mood and begins to apologize.

“No, no. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that I’m glad you actually ate something… I kind of noticed you haven’t been eating much and… yeah. I’m just happy you enjoyed them. Also, I know that you said you didn’t want anything, but I brought you back some pork dumplings from the Jade Wolf.” Magnus smiles up at Alec. He cares so much about people.

“Thank you. I really appreciate that.”

Magnus then gets up from the bed and heads downstairs with Alec. He’s immediately greeted with wide, open smiles.

“Magnus! Hey. It’s good to see you again.” Simon greets.

Magnus and Alec sit down on the couch next to Simon and Izzy. Everyone immediately begins bickering about which game they should play this time.

“We are definitely not playing Mario Party again. Alec always wins.” Jace says. Magnus still feels like something is off with him, but it’s none of his business. He doesn’t know Jace that well.   

“What about… Overcooked?” Izzy pipes in.

“Simon always gets so mad that he ends up quitting.” Maia says.

“Sorry babe, but she’s totally right. I hate that game. Let’s just play some Wii Sports. Bowling is always fun.”

Everyone finally agrees and Alec gets the Wii set up. Magnus isn’t particularly good at games, but he enjoys spending time with these people. A month ago, he had despised them… but now he knows them for who they are. Not what he always thought them to be. He still wishes that Clary could be here to enjoy it… but maybe he needs to learn to enjoy things without her.

Jace wins almost every game, except for bowling. Simon wins that one. He was maybe a little bit too good at it. He must’ve spent a lot of time practicing. Magnus was actually having fun… and even if only for just a moment, he felt happy. He felt content to be with these people. Magnus had spent so much time being sad, that it felt good to feel genuinely happy again. Maybe he did deserve to be happy.

Around 10 PM everyone decides to call it a night. Tomorrow is the last day of the semester, and they all have to show up even though there aren’t any real classes happening. There’s just an ‘end of the semester pep rally’ and a lunch. Everyone tells Magnus that he should come, but Magnus tells them that he just doesn’t think he’s ready. After that they all exchange goodbyes and Izzy decides to go home with Simon and spend the night at his place.

After everyone leaves, Alec turns to Magnus.

“Was that okay? Did you have fun?”

“Yes, I had a lot of fun Alexander.”

“You’re the only one who still calls me by my full name…”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

“No, it’s okay. I like it.”

Magnus smiles at Alec and finally starts to kind of understand the feeling he gets every time he’s with Alec… but it doesn’t matter. Alec has a girlfriend and it’s never going to happen. Besides, Magnus has a lot of baggage. Who would want to date that?

Magnus heads back upstairs and strips down to just his boxers. He lays down and his mind drifts to Alec.  _ How can one person be so caring? I really don’t understand it. I treated him like shit for the first few days, and he still cared enough to give me a place to stay and to buy me funyuns. God, that sounds so stupid, but no one has ever cared about what I eat… or don’t eat, I guess. He cares. But he doesn’t like you. Not like that. And you can’t like him like that either. _

It takes Magnus a long time to fall asleep, but eventually, he drifts off. And for the first time since November 23rd, Magnus doesn’t have a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you think in the comments. 
> 
> Also, huge thank you to Sarah for looking over the chapter for me!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Welcome to chapter 6 of Dear Magnus. As always, check the updated tags and I hope you all are enjoying the story.

 Magnus is startled awake by a loud knock on the front door. He assumes it’s  Jace and rolls back over to try to go back to sleep. He never was a morning person. He hears Alec’s door open and hears feet shuffling towards the front door. Alec opens the door and Magnus immediately hears the loud, booming voice of his father.

“Where the hell is he?!”

    Asmodeus’ voice rings all the way through the house. Magnus hears him push past Alec and soon Magnus hears the footsteps getting closer and closer to his room. With every step, Magnus feels more paralyzed. He wants to move, but he feels glued to the bed. Then, Asmodeus bursts through the door.

“There you are, you little bitch! Do you know what kind of trouble you’ve caused?! Now get the hell off of that bed and come home with me.” Magnus just stays seated on the bed, staring up at Asmodeus. “Now!”

“No.” Magnus says, barely above a whisper.

“What did you say?”

Finally able to move, Magnus turns more towards his father, “I said no. I’m not going anywhere with you.”

    Suddenly, Asmodeus grabs Magnus’ by his black hair and pulls him off the bed.

“Asmodeus, stop it! You’re hurting me!” Magnus screams. But Asmodeus’ grip just gets tighter. He begins to drag Magnus down the stairs. Magnus sees Alec at the bottom of the stairs, trying to block the way. Magnus begins to plead for Alec to move, but he doesn’t.

“Sir, stop. I think it’s best if he stays here with me.”

“Get out of my way, you punk!” Asmodeus shoves Alec out of the way and Alec stumbles and hits the side of his head on a table. He gets up again but seems disoriented and confused. Then, Asmodeus grabs Magnus’ arm and continues to drag him towards the door.

“Please stop it! I’m not going anywhere with you! Let go of me!” Magnus continues to fight and beg but Asmodeus continues.

“Stop fighting me!” Asmodeus yells.

    Magnus momentarily breaks out of Asmodeus’ grip and runs towards Alec to see if he is alright, but Asmodeus grabs the back of his shirt. Magnus is yanked back, loses his balance and smacks his head on the floor. He immediately feels the pain shoot all the way down his body. Magnus reaches his hand up and feels the wetness of blood on his forehead. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes, still being dragged across the floor by his father.

“Please… just let me go.”

“Dad…”

Asmodeus stops. He turns around and looks at his son, bloodied on the floor.

“Dad… please.”

Asmodeus stays still for a second, Magnus can see the pain in his expression. He lets go of Magnus’ foot and heads towards the door, slamming it shut on his way out. Magnus hears his father’s truck drive away and immediately starts crawling towards Alec to see if he is alright. At some point Alec must have passed out, because he was now sitting on the floor clutching his head. His face and hands were covered in blood. Magnus couldn’t think very clearly, but he grabbed Alec’s hand and began to press on the wound.

“M-Magnus, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Alec. We need to get help.”

Just as Magnus was struggling to get out another sentence the door swung open.

“Hey Alec, did you forget about lu-” Lydia immediately stops dead in her tracks, her face turning completely white. She runs towards Alec and Magnus. “Oh my God, what happened?”

“I’ll explain l-later. I need you to call an ambulance.” Magnus manages to get out those words before everything turns black.

  
  


…

  
  


Magnus wakes up in a hospital bed. There’s an IV connected to his arm and Izzy and Maia are sitting by his bed. He slowly blinks his eyes open a few more times before attempting to sit up. His entire body hurts, especially his head.

“Magnus, you’re awake! No, no, don’t try to sit up, you need to lay down.” Izzy speaks slowly.

“W-what happened?” All the memories start to flood back into his head and he begins to panic, trying even harder to move. “Where’s Alec? I need to find Alec!”

A nurse comes into the room and attempts to hold him down while both Izzy and Maia say things to get him to stay in bed.

“Magnus, calm down. It’s okay. Alec is okay. He’s in the room next door. You’re both going to be okay.”

Once their words finally get through to him, he settles back down.  _ Alec is okay. _

Magnus then thinks back to what happened. It was his fault. If he would have just gone with his dad, told Alec that everything was fine, none of this would have happened. No one would have gotten hurt. He feels the the familiar wetness of tears as they start to run down his cheeks.

“I-I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.”

“Ssshh, it’s not your fault, Magnus. The police has your father in custody. No one is going to hurt you or Alec. Please, it’s not your fault.”

As much as Izzy and Maia try to convince him, he can’t shake the feeling that if it wasn't for him, Alec would be at lunch with Lydia, laughing and having fun. Magnus always sucked the life out of anything he touched. And that’s what he was doing to Alec.

After an hour of calming down, emotional reaffirmations and trying to avoid the topic of why they were all in the hospital, the Doctor came in to check on Magnus.

“Oh good, you’re awake.” she said with a smooth, calm voice, “I’m doctor Catarina Loss. I just need to do a few more tests before we can clear you to go home. You have a mild concussion, a few bruised ribs, a sprained wrist, and you’re probably going to have a black eye on the left side.”

Home. Magnus didn’t have a home. His only home was Clary and she was gone. Everything in his life that brought him happiness was ruined. Clary, his mother, and now Alec. Soon, he could feel himself welling up  again.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay” Catarina soothed. “Does it hurt?”

“N-no. I’m sorry. It’s just all my fault.”

“Hey, this is not your fault. This is your father’s fault. Never blame yourself for the actions of others. You can’t control what others do, you can only choose how you react to it. Be angry, scream, cry. But never, ever blame yourself. Be angry at him, not at yourself.”

Wow, for a doctor, she was really comforting. Her words helped to calm Magnus down, but he still felt guilty. He needed to see Alec soon. To see for himself that Alec was okay. After Catarina did a few tests, she said that she just needed to put in the paperwork and then he would be all set. Magnus asked if he could go visit Alec, and she said yes, as long as the girls pushed him in a wheelchair. He probably wouldn’t be very stable on his feet quite yet.

Magnus got up from his bed and Izzy and Maia helped him into the wheelchair. His head still hurt quite a bit, but he needed to see Alec. Once they made it to the room, Magnus saw Lydia, Jace, and Alec’s mom sitting by his bed. They entered the room, and immediately a relieved smile spreads across Alec’s face. At the same time, they both said, “Thank God you’re okay!”

Alec laughed, but Magnus still had this horrible feeling in his stomach. Maybe it was just the head injury, but Magnus could feel himself welling up  for the fourth time since waking up in the hospital.

“Alec, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Everyone began to interrupt, telling Magnus that none of this was his fault, but Magnus only heard Alec’s words.

“Magnus, please. Please don’t blame yourself. I couldn’t live with myself if you keep thinking this was your fault. It’s not your fault.”

Soon, Catarina comes into the room.

“Well, you’re both set. I gave Maryse your prescriptions and you two need to be on bed rest for the next couple of days.” She then turned to the others in the room, “Due to the concussions I need someone to wake these two up every 3 hours for the next three days. Now, go home and try to get some rest. You’ve both had a long day.”

Catarina smiled at Magnus one more time before leaving. He liked her. She was nice.

Maryse then turned towards Magnus, “Magnus, it’s been a while,” she awkwardly chuckled, “I told them that I was your legal guardian because I wasn’t sure if you wanted your mom here… I hope that I didn’t overstep.” Magnus hadn’t seen Maryse since before the situation with Alec and Jace. She has always been beautiful and she still was, but somehow she seemed much happier.

“No, don’t worry about it. Honestly, I really appreciate you doing that for me.” She must have flown home after she found out what happened. She then turned towards Alec.

“Maybe I should stay, just to make sure that you guys are taken care of.”

“Mom, it’s okay. I promise. This business trip is a really big deal for you and I don’t want you to miss it. Besides, school is over, and there are plenty of people to help out. Just look around.”

Everyone else started speaking words of encouragement until Maryse agreed. Befor leaving, she kissed Alec on the forehead.

“I love you so much, Alec. Please call me every day and tell me how you’re doing, ok?”

“I love you too, mom. And I will.”

“And Magnus, it was so good to see you again. I’m just sorry that it had to be under such terrible circumstances.”

Magnus smiled at Maryse, and then she walked out of the room. The others helped Alec into a wheelchair and they all headed towards their cars. Lydia agreed to take both Alec and Magnus in her car because it was the biggest and the easiest to get into. Izzy, Jace, and Maia followed in Maia’s car. Simon was on his way from his mom’s house. It seemed that everyone would be spending the night at the Lightwood’s house this evening.

On the way back to Alec’s house, no one talked. Magnus isn’t sure if there’s really much to say. Considering what’s happened throughout the course of the day. It’s really late and already pitch black outside. Magnus never would have imagined that the day would turn out like this. He wished that it hadn’t.

    Alec, Magnus and Lydia are the first ones back at the house. Once they made it inside, Magnus sits down on the couch. He can hear Lydia and Alec talking in the other room.

    “Lydia I-”

    “Stop. We’ll talk about this later. You have a lot to explain, but everyone needs to get some rest.”

    He hadn’t told her that Magnus was staying here… had he? But why not?

    Everyone else arrives shortly after Alec and Lydia finish their conversation, and then Simon shows up just a few minutes after that. Everyone helps Magnus and Alec get to their bedrooms and assign shifts to everyone. It seemed Izzy, Maia, and Simon were assigned to Magnus and Jace and Lydia were assigned to Alec. Apparently, because Magnus had sustained more injuries than Alec, they thought it best he have more people taking care of him. Izzy ended up settling on the bed with Magnus and Simon and Maia set up air mattresses on the ground. The room was huge, so there was plenty of room. Once they helped Magnus into bed, it didn’t take long for exhaustion to overtake him and he drifted off to sleep. 

  
  


…

  
  


    Magnus didn’t get too much sleep that night because his helpers took their job really seriously and woke him up every three hours to make sure he was alright. Once awake he had trouble going back to sleep because of the pain that kept him from curling up the way he usually slept. Once the sun came up, Izzy woke him up for breakfast and so that he could take his pain killers. He definitely needed them. His entire body ached and it was a horrible feeling. He had trouble moving because of his ribs, so Izzy and Simon helped him out of bed. Once they made it downstairs, he found Jace and Maia working on breakfast for everyone. Lydia was sitting on the couch with Alec, tending to his wounded head. Looking at them gave Magnus a weird feeling. A stingy feeling. Like jealousy. But it couldn’t be.  Still, watching Lydia so close to Alec. It wasn’t a good feeling.

    Izzy sat Magnus down on the loveseat and went to retrieve breakfast. They had made eggs, sausages, bacon, and pancakes. There was definitely too much food, but he knew that everyone was just trying to cheer him up. Izzy handed him a plate and they all sat around the coffee table together.

    “How’re you feeling, Magnus?” Jace asked.

    “I’m quite sore, but I’ll be alright. I’m sorry again… for everything.”

    “Magnus, please stop apologizing. None of this is your fault. We’re just glad that you’re both okay” Lydia said. Magnus was a bit surprised. He thought that she of all people would be angry with him,but she wasn’t.

    Once everyone was finished with breakfast, Jace, Simon and Lydia had to leave because they had to get to work. They both promised to come right back when their shifts were over. Everyone exchanged goodbyes and Maia helped Magnus back up to his room.

    Magnus was still pretty exhausted from not having slept much, so he immediately closed his eyes when he was settled down. Maia sat on the chair in the corner of the room and opened a book. Three hour later, Maia was waking Magnus up again. She checked all of his wounds and changed his bandages. Magnus honestly felt a little bit embarrassed. He wasn’t used to someone taking care of him like this.

    “Hey Magnus?” Maia said quietly.

    “Yeah?”

    “Can I ask you a question?”

    “Sure.”

    “Okay… I need you to not be angry when I ask this but… do you like Alec?” Magnus breath caught. He knew what she was asking, but he really didn’t want to answer, so he tried to divert the question a bit.

    “Of course I like Alec, he’s a great friend.”

    “You know what I mean…” Maia said, looking at Magnus. Magnus sighed. He did know what she was saying.

    “I don’t know. After everything that happened with Clary… It just feels like I can’t like him. That she would be angry with me if I did. Besides, Alec has Lydia.” This time, Maia sighed.

    “I have a feeling that she wouldn’t be as angry as you think… I also think that you should talk to Alec about what happened back then. I think that it would help you both come to terms with everything.”

    Magnus just nodded his head and Maia kept attending to his injuries. After she was done, he went back to sleep, and she went back to her book.

  
  


…

  
  


    For the next couple of days, Magnus and Alec didn’t see a lot of each other. They only saw each other during group meals because they mostly spent the rest of the time sleeping. After the three days were over, everyone begrudgingly agreed to go home and see their families. Christmas was coming up, and as much fun as it was to hang out at the Lightwood’s house, they couldn’t do that forever. Izzy promised that she would take good care of Magnus and Alec. Alec was almost completely healed, anyway, but Magnus still had a long way to go until he was fully recovered. He was still really bruised up, and his sprained bones were going to take a little longer to heal.

Once everyone left, Magnus went back upstairs. Izzy asked if he needed her to come with him, but he said that he would be fine. Izzy made him promise to leave the door open and call if he needed anything.

He opened the drawer to the nightstand and pulled out the white notebook. He was glad that he had put it in there the night before everything happened with Asmodeus. He didn’t want anyone to know about it yet. This was between him and Clary and no one else.

**09/11/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**I honestly can’t believe that you and Camille broke up… And I know that that’s a shitty thing to say, but I’m glad. She was draining everything out of you. I’m just glad you’re back with me. Mr. Aldertree has been helping me with all of my classes, and I’m passing! Also… Jace said hi to me today. He’s in my English class. He asked me to hang out on Saturday. I said yes.**

**-Clary**

_ Wait, what? Jace?  _ Magnus flipped over to the next page and continued to read.

**09/22/2017**

**Dear Magnus,**

**So… Jace and I kissed tonight. It was our second date. I know that I should tell you, but I’m scared. You just broke up with Camille and all the stuff that happened with Alec… It doesn’t seem like the right time I guess. Plus, I don’t want to jinx it. But I will tell you eventually… I promise. I’m still sad, but he makes me a little less sad. I mean, you do too, but it’s different I guess. Plus, I’m still passing all of my classes. Maybe things are finally starting to get better.**

**-Clary**

_ This doesn’t make any sense. Why didn’t I know about Jace? Why hadn’t anyone mentioned anything? Why hadn’t Alec mentioned anything? _

Magnus felt an immense sadness starting to creep up on him. Thinking that there was this entire relationship his best friend had, and he had had no clue. It all started to make sense now, why Jace always seemed sadder than everyone else. Why his smile never reached his eyes… But what still didn’t make sense was why she did it. Things were finally getting better for her, so what changed?

Magnus was going to continue reading when the sadness he felt suddenly shifted into anger. Anger and betrayal. . Alec had kept all of this from him. He could have told him, could have helped him to understand more about his best friend. But he hadn’t. Even though he was still in a lot of pain, Magnus sat up and got out of bed. He started to walk down the stairs to Alec’s room. Every step hurt, but he needed answers. And he needed them now.

Magnus opened the door and found both Alec and Izzy sitting on the bed.

“Magnus what’re you-” Izzy started, but Magnus cut her off, eyes fixed on Alec.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Magnus had expected that sentence to come out with anger, but he just sounded hurt. Confused.

“What are you talking about?” Alec looked genuinely confused, so Magnus clarified.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Clary… and Jace?”

Izzy and Alec looked at each other and then stared at Magnus with wide eyes.

“Because we didn’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you all enjoyed the chapter, let me know what you thought in the comments. the next chapter might take a little bit longer just because it's a really important one and I 'm having a little bit of trouble writing it the way that I want to. 
> 
> As always, thank you so much to the lovely Sarah for reading over the chapters. You've been a huge help <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter took me so much longer than I thought it would. I definitely hit a rough patch whilst writing it, but it is here! Thank you all for bearing with me and waiting. Hope you enjoy chapter 7!!

“Because we didn’t know.” Magnus searches for something, anything, that shows that they were lying, but there’s nothing… They really didn’t know. No one did. Why were Jace and Clary hiding something that important from their best friends? Clary’s letter kind of explained it, but there were still so many unanswered questions. 

“I need to go talk to Jace.” Magnus said, heading out of the room. 

“Magnus, wait.” Alec immediately got up from the bed and grabbed Magnus’ arm. Magnus winced and quickly pulled away. He was still quite sore from his injuries. 

“Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just think that we should sit down and talk about this before making any rash decisions. Plus, you're in no condition to go over to Jace's place.” Alec smiles warmly at Magnus.  

As much as it pisses Magnus off, Alec's right. He needs to calm down before he talks to Jace. But he plans on talking to Jace. He needs to understand everything, specifically why they kept their relationship secret from everyone… from Magnus. Magnus sighs and walks back over to sit next to Isabelle on the bed. 

“I just don’t understand why she didn’t tell me… I know that we kind of grew apart when the whole Camille thing happened, but I honestly thought that we were doing okay. Well, then again, I also thought that she was happy. Obviously I was wrong about both.” Magnus sighed, “She probably felt like she couldn’t trust me. I’m always fucking things up.” 

Isabelle turned to Magnus and rested a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey, you have to stop blaming yourself for everything surrounding Clary. I’m sure that she had a perfectly good reason for not telling you.” 

“She’s right, Magnus,” Alec said, scooting towards Magnus on the bed, “I do have a question though, how did you find out, that they were together?” 

_ Shit.  _ Magnus had been so worked up, that he didn’t even think about needing to explain… 

“Oh, well… um, Clary left me a notebook basically telling me everything that she felt she couldn’t talk to me about. Please don’t tell anyone. At least not yet. I kind of need it to be between just me and Clary right now.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. We won’t tell anyone, right Iz?” Alec turned to look at Isabelle. 

“Of course, my lips are sealed.” 

Magnus hadn’t realized how much he appreciated Alec and Isabelle until this moment. They were always there to help him get through anything and always trusted him, no matter the circumstances. Magnus wrapped his arms around them. 

“Thank you guys so much for everything.” 

Both Izzy and Alec turned and smiled at Magnus. After that, the three just chatted about anything and everything. Magnus was enjoying their time together, but his heart still ached for Clary. He wondered if that feeling would ever go away. Eventually, Magnus headed back up to his bedroom. His body and mind were still exhausted from everything that had happened in the past few weeks. 

 

…

 

Magnus ended up sleeping through the whole night. He hadn’t been getting very much sleep due to the pain and the 3 hour checkups, so it felt nice to get a good night's’ sleep. He checked the clock on his phone. It was currently 9:30 in the morning. He heard voices in the kitchen so he assumed, that both Izzy and Alec were awake already. 

After getting up, Magnus threw on some clothes and headed to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. He made a mental note to ask Isabelle to go shopping with him for some new makeup. He hadn’t worn very much since before dating Camille and he honestly missed it. After brushing his teeth and styling his hair, he opened the door and started down the stairs. As he made it closer to the kitchen, he could clearly hear what Alec and Izzy were talking about. 

“You need to tell him, Alec. Magnus deserves to know.” 

“Tell me what?” Magnus said nonchalantly, hopping up in the counter and taking a bite of a Granny Smith apple. 

“Oh, uh, nothing,” Alec said, a little too quickly, “Just that Jace is hosting a christmas party tomorrow and invited us all to go.” 

Magnus could tell that there was something off about Alec’s response, but he decided not to push it. Alec would tell him what it was whenever he was ready. Although he was definitely curious. 

“Of course, if you don’t want to go, you definitely don’t have to.” Izzy added with a smile. 

“Oh no, I’d love to go! It’ll give me a chance to talk to Jace. And don’t worry, I’m not mad at him or anything, I just have a couple of questions.” 

Izzy and Alec both nodded. The atmosphere in the room was still kind of weird, but Magnus wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. He decided that he was going to lighten up the mood by bringing up shopping with Izzy. 

“So Isabelle, I was thinking that we could maybe go shopping today. I want to buy some makeup and now I need a new outfit for the party tomorrow.”

Izzy squealed and hopped up on the counter to hug Magnus. 

“Of course! I know all of the best places to take you!”

“Okay! Just nowhere too expensive, I only have a little bit saved up from my birthday money.” 

“Oh don’t be silly, it’s my treat.” Izzy said, swatting Magnus on the shoulder.

“You really don’t have-” 

“I insist! After everything you’ve been through, you deserve a little special treatment.” Izzy said, cutting Magnus off, “I just need to go get ready and then we can head out.”

Izzy then headed to her room, leaving Magnus and Alec alone in the kitchen. Alec had been acting awkward since Magnus walked into the kitchen and Magnus hated it. He was set on fixing whatever this weirdness was between them. 

“So Alexander, what’re you up to today? You’re more than welcome to accompany me and Miss Isabelle on our shopping adventure.” 

Alec laughed, “As much as I would  _ love  _ that, I promised Lydia that I would go out to lunch with her family today.”

“Oh, well that should be fun!”

Alec just nodded, still avoiding eye contact with Magnus. They sat in silence until Izzy came back to announce that she was ready. Fixing things with Alec would just have to wait, Magnus wanted to have fun today. 

Magnus and Izzy said goodbye to Alec and then went to the garage and hopped into Izzy’s bright pink Jeep Wrangler.  _ God, the Lightwoods really are rich. _

Izzy decides to go straight to the mall so that they will have plenty of options. As soon as they get there, Izzy heads to Sephora. Magnus probably would have been fine just picking up some inexpensive makeup from Target or Walmart, but Izzy was set on “treating him” to something fancy today. They ended up spending at least an hour there, wandering round and chatting with the sales associates. The people working there were really great and helped Magnus choose everything that he wanted. In the end, Magnus bought Fenty foundation, NARS concealer and black eyeliner, Benefit mascara, and a few lip glosses. 

After they finished at Sephora it was past noon, so they decided to get some lunch. Magnus got a chicken caesar salad wrap and Izzy got a cheeseburger. They didn’t take too long with lunch because they were both pretty eager to get back to shopping. Once they finished lunch, it was only around 12:45 so they still had plenty of time to look around. 

They ended up going to H&M, Forever 21, Express, and Francesca’s. It was almost 6 by the time that they finished and they were both exhausted. Magnus was also getting really sore because his injuries still weren’t fully healed. In the end, Izzy bought Magnus 3 different outfits and bought herself a few as well. 

The drive back to the house wasn’t too long, and they made it back by 6:30. When they walked in, they found Lydia straddling Alec’s lap on the couch, kissing him like there was no tomorrow. 

“Oh, shit! Sorry!” Magnus said, quickly turning to go upstairs. 

“Jesus Christ guys, there’s a room right upstairs where you can do whatever you want!” Izzy said, shooting an apologetic look at Magnus and a glare at Alec. Lydia quickly climbed off of Alec’s lap and adjusted her clothes.

Magnus continued to walk up the stairs and couldn’t help but think about how uncomfortable Alec looked. He was probably just startled at being caught. Magnus turned back around for a second and found two hazel eyes staring back at him. Those eyes looked… lost? Almost like they were longing for something they could never have. Magnus quickly turned back around and headed to the safety of his bedroom. He closed the door and pressed his back against it, closing his eyes.  _ That was nothing. He doesn’t want you like that. You know that. Don’t set yourself up for heartbreak again. You know better. _

 

…

 

The next day went by surprisingly quickly. Magnus spent most of the day with Izzy, having fun and getting ready for the party. Magnus decided to wear the long burgundy shirt with the gold design, a long, gold necklace, gray jeans, and a few rings. Isabelle had also helped him dye the tips of his hair blonde. For his makeup, Magnus decided to do black eyeliner with gold glitter underneath his eyes. It felt good to get all dressed up again, and no matter what Camille had said, Magnus didn’t feel like less of a man because he was wearing makeup and more feminine clothing. In fact, this was the first time in a really long time that he actually felt like himself. It was now almost 6:00 p.m. and they still had about an hour until they had to leave for the party. Izzy was helping Magnus paint his nails black when she took on a more serious tone. 

“Hey Magnus?”

“Yeah?”

“If I ask you a question, will you promise not to get upset?” 

Magnus was a bit confused, but he figured he would be more curious if he refused. “Of course, Isabelle. I could never get upset with you.”

“Okay… why were you actually angry with Alec? Was it really just because of Clary?”

Magnus’ heart sank. “You know the answer to that, Isabelle.”

“Actually, Magnus, I don’t. I know that the way he treated Clary was fucked up, and even though his reasons were selfish-”

“Wait, what do you mean his reasons were selfish?”

“Nevermind about that. I just have this feeling that there’s more to the story with you, that there was something else that bothered you about the way that Alec left.”

Magnus sighed, he knew that she was right. He was angry that Alec left, because Clary had feelings for Jace, but it hurt Magnus more than anyone actually knew. 

Magnus took a deep breath, “It hurt, because I was in love with him.” 

He had never spoken those words out loud until now. And even though Clary probably knew, he never directly told her. It was just always something that Magnus bottled up, something that he ignored. He used Clary as an excuse to be mad at Alec, because the truth still hurt to think about. 

Isabelle was silent for a second. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I-I didn’t know… I’m so sorry, Magnus.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine!” Isabelle said while grabbing Magnus’ hand, “You should talk to him about it.”

Magnus scoffed, “Yeah, tell the guy in a serious relationship with a  _ girl _ , that I was madly in love with him before he completely ditched out on me? I don’t think so.”

“Do you…” Isabelle paused, “Do you still have feelings for him?”

Magnus sighed again. He knew that that question was coming, he just honestly didn’t want to get into it.

“Look Isabelle, even if I did still have feelings for him, it wouldn’t matter. He’s in love with Lydia and I can’t do anything to change that. I’ve already caused a lot of strain in their relationship and I don’t want to cause any more.”

“Magnus-”

“Just drop it, Izzy. I want to have fun today, not sulk over things that I have no control over.”

“Alright, but just think about it, okay?” 

“Fine, now finish my nails so we aren’t late to the party.”

After Izzy finished his nails, she went to go check on Alec. She dressed to the nines, as per usual, in a skin tight black dress and red leather jacket. After she left Magnus’ room, he went to look in the mirror one last time before they left. Magnus studied his outfit again, he had a feeling that Clary would have loved it. He knew that she hated his all black, casual outfits, but she always supported him no matter what. After he finished touching everything up he headed out to see if Alec and Izzy were ready to go. 

They were in the living room when Magnus came downstairs. Izzy was trying to style Alec’s hair, but he kept swatting her hand away. Alec was wearing black jeans, a dark maroon shirt, his leather jacket and black combat boots. It was such a simple outfit, but Magnus couldn’t deny that he looked damn good in it. As soon as Magnus entered the living room, Alec immediately stopped talking and just stared at him. 

“Wow.” Alec said in a low voice, making Magnus’ skin crawl. 

Alec cleared his throat, “Uh, I-I mean… you look good, Magnus. Quite, uh, festive.” 

Alec was getting really flustered and immediately turned away from Magnus as he spoke. Magnus was trying really hard to stay calm and not freak out over what had just happened, but he could feel his cheeks reddening. 

“Well, thank you, Alexander. You don’t look too bad yourself.” Magnus said, somehow managing to keep it together. Alec turned and smiled warmly at Magnus.  _ Damn, that smile. That beautiful smile.  _

Izzy cleared her throat, “As much as I hate to ruin this  _ moment _ you guys are having, but we have to get going or we’re gonna be late.”

Magnus quickly snapped himself out of the trance that Alec had him in and turned to Izzy, “Now Izzy, there’s nothing wrong with being fashionably late, is there?”

“I hate to break it to you, Magnus, but we’re already fashionably late.”

“Shit, I bet Lydia’s wondering where I am. I should text her and tell her we’re running late.” Alec said, already grabbing his keys and heading towards the garage.

And just like that, the fuzzy feeling that Magnus had was gone. Alec still has a girlfriend. Whatever just happened didn’t mean anything. Magnus looked  over at Isabelle who was staring at him with raised eyebrows. 

“Don’t say a single word, Isabelle.”

Izzy simply raised her hands in defeat and followed Alec to the car.

Once they were all seated in Alec’s car, Magnus started to get nervous. He knew that he needed to talk to Jace, but he also had no idea what to say. He didn’t want to ruin Jace’s night, but he also couldn’t just pretend that he didn’t know. Magnus has never been very good at keeping secrets. As they got closer to Jace’s house, Magnus continued to get more nervous. He needed a distraction for the car ride, so he pulled the white notebook out of his bag. He didn’t usually take it with him out of the house, but it felt necessary for some reason. Since he was in the back, Izzy and Alec probably wouldn’t even notice that he was reading it. 

**10/31/2018**

**Dear Magnus,**

**So… Jace and I had sex tonight. I feel like maybe I should feel guilty or something? But I just don’t. Honestly, I feel amazing. More amazing than I’ve felt in such a long time. It’s like things are finally starting to be okay again. Anyways, I think I’m going to tell you tomorrow. Hopefully you won’t be too upset that I didn’t tell you sooner. I think I might be in love with him.**

**-Clary**

_ Woah… Jace took Clary’s virginity? How could he never have mentioned that to anyone? And Clary never told me… so what happened? None of this is making any sense.  _

They were still a few minutes away from Jace’s, so Magnus decided to read the next entry. 

**11/1/2018**

**Dear Magnus,**

**I knew that it was too good to be true. I should have known better, because things never work out for me, do they? I saw Jace kissing Camille today. I gave him everything and he just used me for a good fuck. And of course it was Camille, because why wouldn’t it be? She ruins everything.  You’re all I have left. And I don’t even know if I have you anymore.**

**-Clary**

_ I’m going to kill him.  _

Magnus finished reading the entry right as they pulled up to Jace’s house. He put the notebook back in his bag, got out of the car and slammed the door shut. 

“Woah, Magnus, are you okay?” Alec said, reaching to put his hand on Magnus’ shoulder. Magnus immediately pulled away and didn’t say a word. He just kept walking towards the door. Nothing mattered except his anger towards Jace right now. No wonder Jace never told anyone. You definitely don’t want to be known as the guy who fucked over the girl who committed suicide. But Magnus was going to make sure that everyone knew who he really was, an asshole who only cares about himself. 

Magnus knocked on the door while Izzy and Alec tried to catch up with him. Simon opened the door. He was wearing a Star Wars themed Christmas sweater.

“Hey Mag-”

“Where’s Jace?” 

“Uh, he’s in the kitchen. What’s up?” Magnus ignored Simon’s question and just pushed past him. He vaguely heard everyone greeting him but he just kept heading to the kitchen. As soon as he saw Jace, he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Magnus yelled. 

Everyone went silent. Jace just stared at Magnus. He knew. The look in his eyes gave everything away. He knew exactly what Magnus was talking about. 

“Magnus, I can explain.”

“Explain what? Explain how you fucked Clary and then decided that you were done with her? And then made out with Camille? Did you fuck her, too?”

“Jace, what is he talking about?” Alec said. Magnus could hear how shaky Alec’s voice was.

“That’s not what happened.”

“Oh yeah? Then why didn’t you tell anyone that you guys were dating, huh? That you took her virginity? Oh yeah, that’s right. Because you only wanted her for sex, and then when you were done. It really doesn’t surprise me that you hooked up with Camille. You two deserve each other.” Magnus said turning to walk away, but he was stopped when Jace grabbed his arm. 

“Magnus, please… I loved her.” Magnus turned to face Jace, ready to punch him, but then he saw Jace’s eyes. They were red and tears were streaming down his face. 

“Jace, what-”

“Camille kissed me. I pushed her off, but it was too late. I tried everything to get Clary back, but she wouldn’t talk to me. She blocked my number, ignored me in the hallways. Eventually, I just gave up. But I never should have given up, because maybe if I had explained, she wouldn’t have… It’s all my fault that she’s dead, and now I can never apologize to her. Never tell her that I love her. Never ask her to prom.” 

At this point, Magnus could barely understand what Jace was saying. His words were coming out as sobs and soon Magnus was sobbing with him. He grabbed Jace and pulled him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Jace. I had no idea.” 

Magnus heard Izzy tell everyone to follow her into the living room, and then he heard footsteps heading out of the kitchen. Magnus pulled away from Jace, but kept his hands on Jace’s shoulders.

“It’s not your fault, Jace. It isn’t anyone’s fault. It just happened. Please stop blaming yourself.”

Jace laughed, “You’re certainly one to talk.”

“True, but I’m serious. I’m so sorry, that I came in here and just reopened all of those wounds… But, Jace, you could’ve told me. Or even Alec. You don’t have to suffer in silence. You have people that love you so much and never would’ve judged you.”

“It’s okay, Magnus. You’re right, I should’ve told you. I guess that I just hadn’t really acknowledged any of it until today. So maybe it was a good thing that you stormed in here and yelled at me.” Magnus laughed, wiping away the tears on his face. 

“Well, I honestly didn’t want to ruin your party, so I’d understand if you want me to leave.”

“No, Magnus, please don’t. You deserve to have fun after everything you’ve been through.” Jace smiled at Magnus and then moved to walk out of the kitchen.

Magnus just stood there for a second. He felt like shit. He had acted just like his father had and jumped to crazy conclusions without asking any questions first. Jace didn’t deserve to be put on the spot like that, even if it had been true. 

“Hey Maggie… you okay?” Alec said, quietly stepping into the kitchen. 

“Is Jace okay?” Magnus asked. He was still snivelling and just couldn’t seem to stop. 

“Jace is fine, Magnus. He’s explaining everything to the rest of our friends.”

“I can’t believe that I did that, Alec… I’m just like my dad.” Magnus put his face in his hands and began to cry again.  

“No, Magnus, it’s okay,” Alec said grabbing Magnus’s hands, “Look at me. You’re not your dad. And you’re never going to be anything like him. If what you said had been true about Jace, I would have kicked his ass for you. You’re amazing, Magnus. You’re kind and smart and funny. Don’t ever tell yourself that you’re anything less than perfect, because you don’t deserve that. You deserve to know that you’re beautiful and that no matter how many times your dad makes you think that you’re just like him, you’re not. Jace needed this today. Maybe not in the exact way that it happened, but he was holding on to so much pain. Just like Clary. You didn’t hurt him, Magnus, you saved him.” Alec then took a step forward, enveloped Magnus in his arms and just held him. Neither of them said a single word. Magnus just cried on Alec’s shoulder and really allowed himself to feel everything. 

Clary was gone. And no matter how many letters she wrote, or how many new things he learned about her, she was still gone. And there was never going to be anything that Magnus could do to bring her back. 

“I miss her… I miss her so much, Alec.” Alec pulled him even closer. 

“I know that you do, Magnus.” 

After a few minutes Magnus finally pulled away. 

“We should get back to the party.”

“Actually, Magnus, I need to tell you something.” Alec said quietly.

“Okay, what is it?” 

“The reason that I-”

“Alec! Babe! Where are you?” Lydia came stumbling into the kitchen. 

“Oh! There you are, silly.” Lydia planted a big kiss on Alec’s mouth. She was obviously drunk.

“Okay, looks like someone’s had too much to drink tonight. I’m taking you home.”

“What? Nooooo. I’m having so much fun.”

“I know, babe,” Magnus cringed at the pet name, “but I don’t want you to get sick.”

“Ooooohhh, I understand,” Lydia said drunkenly winking at Alec, “you finally gonna let me take that pesky virginity of yours?” 

“Okay, that’s enough.” Alec said, lifting Lydia over his shoulder and carrying her out of the kitchen. Before leaving, he turned back around, “I’m sorry to cut our conversation short, Magnus. I’ll… I’ll explain later”, he stuttered. “Think you can ask Simon to give you a ride home? He doesn’t like to drink anyway.”

“Of course, Alexander, just take care of Lydia. I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow, Maggie.”

Magnus hated the way that his heart sank watching Alec walk out of the kitchen. But he also didn’t really understand what had just happened… Alec had never had sex with Lydia? They’d been dating for a long time and clearly Lydia wanted to. Not that it was required for Alec to have sex with her. Magnus was just surprised. 

And maybe, just maybe, his heart hurt a little less because of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I hope that you guys enjoyed the chapter! Please let me know your theories and what you think of the story so far in the comments. I know I'm the absolute worst at responding but I promise that I read and appreciate all of them. I'll try harder to respond!
> 
> I'm honestly not sure when the next chapter will be up but it definitely won;t take as long as this one. I'm shooting for next week but we'll see how that goes haha. 
> 
> Thank you to Sarah for being an amazing human being and sticking through this entire process with me!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that not a lot of people are reading this, but to those of you who are I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post this chapter. There's been a lot going on in my life and it's honestly messing with my flow but here's chapter 8. 
> 
> As always, check the updated tags before reading.

 

Magnus helped Alec take Lydia to the car and then went back inside to join everyone else. When Magnus walked into the living room everyone was chatting and having a good time. It seemed that the events from earlier that night had been long forgotten and everyone just wanted to enjoy their time together. Simon was the first one to notice Magnus walking into the room. 

“Hey Magnus! Welcome back to the party. Where’s Alec?”

“Alexander left. He needed to take Lydia home before she puked all over everything. Can you give me a ride home?”

“Sure thing, dude.” Simon responded. 

Magnus wasn’t exactly sure why Simon didn’t drink, but he did know that it had something to do with his mom. 

The rest of the night was spent drinking, chatting, and having fun. Even though the night had started off less than ideal, it ended up being one of the best nights that Magnus had had since Clary died. He still felt a little bit awkward with Jace, but that was something that only time could fix. Magnus ended up only drinking a couple of drinks because drinking hadn’t sounded like very much fun since he blacked out the night of Clary’s suicide. It was around 1 AM when everyone decided to call it a night. They all planned to get together again the day after Christmas to have their own Christmas celebration and to exchange gifts. 

Once they made it to Simon’s car, Izzy hopped in the back seat and offered Magnus shotgun because she was going to be spending the night at Simon’s place anyway. Magnus thanked Izzy and got into the passenger side. There definitely wasn’t going to be traffic on the way back to the house but Simon still drove slowly just in case there were any drunk drivers around. After a little while, Izzy fell asleep. She had definitely had a lot to drink so it made sense that she was exhausted. No one had said a whole lot since the drive started but eventually Simon spoke.

“Did you have fun tonight Magnus?”

“I did. Well, I had fun after I was finished falsely accusing Jace of cheating on Clary. But yeah, I had a lot of fun.”

“Were you disappointed when Alec had to leave?” 

“So Izzy told you.”

“Told me what?” Simon said, nonchalantly.

“Don’t play dumb Simon. Isabelle clearly told you about my feelings for Alec. Remind me to talk to her about that later.” Magnus was too tired to be very upset with Izzy, but it definitely sucked that she would breach his trust like that.

“So you do have feelings for Alec… Honestly, Izzy didn’t tell me anything but I kind of suspected. Not that you’re being super obvious or anything I just kind of noticed the way that you were looking at him and the way that he always looks at you and-”

“The way he looks at me? What are you talking about?”

“Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said anything. Just pretend that I never said anything.” Simon was clearly getting nervous but Magnus couldn’t just let it go. This seemed like a pretty important topic.

“Simon, what are you talking about? Please just tell me.”

“Listen dude, it’s not my place to tell you. Just know that there’s a lot that you don’t understand about Alec. You should talk to him about it.” 

Magnus sighed, “That’s what Isabelle keeps telling me too but everytime that he tries to talk to me about whatever is going on with him we get interrupted. It’s just never the time to tell your straight friend that you were in love with him when he ditched you and your dead best friend and that you might be developing feelings for him again. It’s just too much.” None of this was making any sense to Magnus. First Maia asked about his feelings, then Izzy, and now Simon? Was Magnus really that obvious.

“I know that it seems like it would be a bad thing to tell Alec, but I think he might understand better than you think.” 

“But why Simon? Why does everyone keep telling me that?”

Simon pulled up to the Lightwood’s house and turned to Magnus.

“Like I said, it’s not my place to tell you any of this. You have to talk to him about it.”

“Okay… I guess maybe I’ll try.”

“Good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a very drunk girlfriend to take care of. I’m pretty sure she would be very upset in the morning if she found out that I let her sleep in the car.”

Magnus laughed, “Okay, have a good night Simon.”

“You too dude.”

Magnus got out of the car and headed towards the garage. He had left his copy of the front door key in his room but thankfully he knew the garage door code. He typed in the code and waited for the door to open. It was definitely a cold night, but it wasn’t snowing so he wasn’t in a huge rush. Once the door was open he headed inside the house. He was surprised to find alec sitting alone on the couch, drinking some hot tea. 

“Oh hey, I didn’t expect to find you here. Where’s Lydia?”

“She’s upstairs sleeping in my room. I figured it would be better to bring her here than to her place. Her entire family is in town and I wouldn’t want her to be embarrassed because they all saw her drunk. She usually doesn’t drink that much, but I guess tonight was different.” Alec seemed kind of sad and on edge. Magnus walked over to the couch and sat down next to him.

“Well I’m glad that you got her here safe, she was pretty drunk.”

“Yeah, she was.” 

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, Alec just sipping on his tea. Magnus was about to get up and go to bed when Alec turned to Magnus.

“I’m sorry that I ditched you and Clary. It was a dick move and I was being selfish.”

“I already told you that I forgave you.”

“But Magnus, you don’t know the whole story. And I should have told you all of this when you first got here but honestly it terrified me. It still does. Once I actually acknowledge everything that happened, I can’t just pretend it never happened. That I never felt the way that did. The way that I feel…” Alec was starting to get worked up so Magnus moved closer to Alec and placed his hand on Alec’s shoulder. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You can tell me anything.” 

“I know… It’s just not something that I can take back.”

“Sometimes, it’s better that way. Hiding something for so long is so draining and is never good for your mental health. Whatever it is, I promise that it will be okay.” 

Alec took a deep breath, and started to speak. 

“I know that it’s such a cliche thing to say, but I always knew that I was different from other guys. Not in all of the typical ways that everyone in the movies says, but I just wasn’t interested in sex or girls or anything. For a while, I thought that I was broken. All of my friends would talk about their crushes but whenever they asked about mine I just lied and said I thought this one girl was cute, or that I was dating someone that none of them knew. That all worked out fine through middle school, but then I met Jace. He wasn’t like anyone I had ever met before and I honestly thought that I just really wanted to be his friend. We became best friends almost instantly. I met him on my first day of track and I just clicked with him more than I had ever clicked with anyone in my life. Of course I had friends before him but there was just something different about it. After a while, I met you and Clary and I just really enjoyed having these three friends that I really cared about. But then, Clary found out.”

  
  


***Flashback***

 

“Hey, Alec!” 

“Oh, hey Clary. What’s up?”

“Well I just kind of wanted to talk to you about something and I’m not sure how you’ll feel about it but I guess I’m just kind of nervous about it and-” Alec could tell that Calry was nervous, but he was sure that whatever it was it would be fine. 

“Clary, slow down. Just tell me what’s going on.” Alec smiled warmly at his friend. They had been friends for almost three years now and Alec really appreciated her friendship. They definitely hadn’t gotten along for the first few months that they knew each other, but it all turned out to be a misunderstanding and soon they were talking almost everyday about almost anything. “You can tell me anything, you know that.”

Clary took a deep breath, “Okay… so I was just wondering if Jace is single.” 

Alec was definitely taken by surprise. Did Clary have feelings for Jace? Alec didn’t realize that they even talked to each other. 

“Oh, uh, Jace? Yeah, he’s single. Why?”

“Well, I was just thinking about maybe asking him to the spring formal. We have science together and we’ve been working on a group project and it seemed like he might be interested in me and I’m definitely interested in him so I guess,” Clary sighed, “I guess I’m just asking if you could maybe talk to him for me?”

So Clary was into Jace… Alec wasn’t exactly sure why but his heart was starting to hurt and before he knew it tears were forming in his eyes. He tried to play it off like everything was fine and agree to Clary’s question. 

“Y-yeah, sure. I’ll talk to Jace.” Alec’s voice squeaked on the last word of his sentence and he could feel the tears starting to get worse. Why was he reacting this way? He knew that Jace was probably interested in Clary. So, why was he so upset? He quickly tried to turn away from Clary but she reached out and grabbed his arm.

“Woah, Alec, are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

“Clearly it’s not. Alec… do you,” Clary paused, “do you have feelings for Jace?”

Alec knew the answer to that question. No matter how much he denied it or tried to believe that it wasn’t true, deep down he knew. He would never admit it, but he knew from the beginning why he felt differently about Jace than any of his other friends. Alec sniffled a couple of times and wiped the tears from underneath his eyes before responding. 

“Of course I don’t have feelings for Jace. Are you crazy?”

“It’s okay Alec, if I knew I never would have asked.”

“I told you, I don’t like him like that.”

“But-”

“It doesn’t matter Clary. I’m not gay!”

Clary took a step back, clearly startled.

“I-I’m sorry. It would be okay if you were though. I didn’t mean to upset you Alec. Honestly, I didn’t. It just came out and I felt like maybe it would be the right thing to say.” 

Alec wasn’t sure why, but no matter what she said it felt like an attack. Like she was trying to get him to admit something that he didn’t want to admit to anyone. Ever. 

“Just stop Clary. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. In fact, I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Just leave me alone.”

He knew that he was overreacting, he knew that it wasn’t a big deal, but he still walked away. Alec walked away and ignored Clary trying to talk to him. He walked away without knowing that one day he would never get the chance to talk to her again. 

 

***End of Flashback***

 

“After that, I started dating Lydia and I stopped talking to you guys. Clary tried to reach out a couple of times, but I just ignored her. I was a complete dick when she was just trying to be a good friend. I stopped talking to her because I was jealous that she had a thing for Jace and that he would choose her over me. Of course I knew that she was right and that Jace would never actually have feelings for me too, but I couldn’t help but be upset. I was in love with him, you know? But she was just trying to be a good friend and I fucked everything up with her and now… now I never get the chance to tell her that I was wrong. And that I overreacted and was a complete asshole to her. Whatever I felt for Jace it was never worth losing our friendship over. It was never going to happen between us, and I’m over what I felt for him, but I’ll never get over the way that I treated her. And now, here I am, still living this lie that I’ve been holding onto for so long and I just don’t know what to do about any of it.”

Magnus was speechless. He honestly had no idea that Alec had been struggling with all of this for so long. He also didn’t understand why Alec was still with Lydia if he didn’t have feelings for her. Magnus was someone that believed love should take precedence over appearances, but he supposed that Alec’s family might be a little bit different. 

After quite a bit of thinking, Magnus finally spoke. 

“I’m so sorry Alexander. I know how hard it is to deal with something like this. But, you have to talk to Lydia. You know that she deserves someone who actually sees a future with her. Do you even love her?”

“I know that I have to talk to her, and I’ve been planning to for so long. I guess it’s just that I care about her so much, and I don’t want to hurt her. I love her, just maybe not in the same way that she loves me.”

“Why haven’t you talked to her yet?”

Alec paused for a minute. Magnus knew there was more, but he was waiting until Alec had the courage to tell him. 

“Because… because of my dad.” 

“What about your dad? I thought that he wasn’t living with you guys anymore?” 

“He’s not…”

Magnus was definitely confused, but he could tell that Alec was struggling with whatever he was trying to tell Magnus about his father. Magnus understood better than anyone how hard it was to talk about bad parents. You never truly want to believe that the person who made you could be such an awful human being. 

“Look, you don’t have to tell me, I just want to make sure that you’re okay and that Lydia is okay.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you, it’s just another one of those things that I’ve never actually talked about. Not even Izzy knows everything that has happened between my dad and I.” Alec was getting upset again, and Magnus wanted to do everything in his power to make sure that Alec’s face never looked like that again. He looked broken. He had been holding on to so much for so long, and even though getting it all out is important, it’s also a very emotionally draining process. But Magnus was going to be there, no matter what, because Alec had been there for him through the hardest time in his life. Alec was going to be okay and Magnus was going to make sure of it. 

“Alexander, what did your father do?”

Alec took a deep breath, he was ready.

“My dad wasn’t always a bad guy. When he married my mom he was a loving man, and he treated her so well. But then… A few years after Izzy was born, my mom got pregnant again. When I was ten, my mom gave birth to my younger brother. His name was Max and we all loved him so much,” Alec started to cry again. Magnus had no idea that Alec even had a younger brother, “But his little heart just couldn’t take it and he died a month after he was born. My dad was never the same after that. He blamed my mom for Max’s death, even though it had nothing to do with her. He just wasn’t strong enough to survive. After that, he started to become more and more aggressive. He even hit my mom once. At the time, I didn’t understand what was going on, but I wish more than anything that I could have gotten her out of that situation sooner. Last year, my mom found out that he was having an affair and that was the last straw. She divorced him and kicked him out. None of us have heard from him since.” 

“I’m so sorry that he was so horrible to all of you. None of you could have known that Max wasn’t going to make it. And to lose a child… I have no idea what your mother must have gone through. I guess I’m just wondering what that has to do with you and Lydia.”

Alec sighed, “Because before he left, I told him that I was gay. He didn’t take it very well,” Alec pointed to his eyebrow, “He hit me so hard that it left this scar. After that, he told me that I was disgusting and that if I didn’t continue to date Lydia that he would come after my mom and Izzy. I guess that I’m just scared that he might somehow find out if I break up with her and hurt them. I would never be able to forgive myself if I was the reason that something happened to them. My family means everything to me, and I can’t let anything happen to them. You understand?”  

“Oh my God Alexander, have you told your mom and Izzy about this?”

“No, I just thought that I could keep this up with Lydia forever and they would never have to know about any of it. But I can’t do it anymore… I can tell that Lydia knows something is off I just don’t know how to tell her that most of our relationship has been based off of threats and lies.” 

Magnus completely understood what Alec was saying. Magnus never even told Asmodeus that he was bisexual because he knew that his father just wouldn’t understand. Magnus had never been with a man, so it didn’t seem urgent to tell his dad. Of course his mother knew, but she would never tell Asmodeus either. Abusive dads were dangerous, and Magnus knew that Alec couldn’t just break up with Lydia when there’s an active threat towards the two people he cares about most in this world. But Magnus also knows that Alec can’t hide who is forever, and that he can’t let his father hold him back for the rest of his life. 

“You need to talk to them about this Alexander, hiding who are for so long will never work out. Clary was hiding so much from me, and I never would have found out if she hadn’t left behind that journal. If she had told me, maybe nothing would have changed, but it also could have changed everything. You deserve to live the life that you want to live, and hiding from everyone is never going to make you happy. That being said, no matter your decision, I’ll be here for you.” 

Alec took another deep breath, “Thank you Maggie, that means everything to me. I know that I have to talk to them, it’s just a hard thing to bring up. If i hadn’t been so weak and had just stood up to my father none of this would have happened.”

“You know that’s not true. You were a kid and he was your dad, of course you were going to be afraid. That doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. But you have a chance to do something about it now. He can’t control you anymore.” 

Alec reached out and pulled Magnus into his arms. Everything that Alec had been feeling over the past few years was spilling out from him and into Magnus. So much pain and regret and shame. This was more than hug, it was an apology and a thank you all wrapped into one. 

Magnus wasn’t sure how long they sat there, arms wrapped around one another, but eventually, Alec pulled away. 

Alec sighed, “It’s almost three in the morning, we should both get some sleep. It is Christmas Eve after all.”

Magnus smiled at Alec, he always knew how to lighten the mood.

“Okay. Just promise me one thing.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“That after Christmas, you’ll talk to your mom and Izzy while your mom is in town. And that you’ll talk to Lydia.”

Alec’s brow creased a bit, but he still said “Okay, I promise.”

Magnus got up from the couch, but Alec grabbed his hand. 

“Thank you Maggie. For everything.” 

Magnus turned to look at Alec again, “Anything for you, darling.”

Magnus then squeezed Alec’s hand and headed up to his bedroom. He really should go straight to bed, but his mind was racing. So much of what Magnus had once thought about Alec was wrong. And it made Magnus even more confused about his feelings then he was before. In his mind, Alec was always something unattainable. As much as Magnus had loved Alec, he never fully let himself delve into the possibilities of what it would be like to be with Alec. To hold him and kiss him and… Well, a lot of other things. But now, it was like something switched inside of Magnus. When Alec reached out to hold him, Magnus never wanted him to let go. But Alec had so much that he was working through and Magnus would never want to get in the way of anything. Not to mention there’s the whole Alec might never have feelings for him, even if he is gay. It all just sucked because Magnus had spent so much time being angry at Alec that he never even began to think that they might be going through similar problems. 

Magnus was still mulling over the idea of telling Alec that he was in love with him… While everyone was telling him that he needed to tell Alec, it still terrified him. It terrified him to think that he might lose their friendship again. He honestly couldn’t handle anymore broken relationships right now. 

Eventually, in his jumbled thoughts about Alec, he began to think about Clary again. He definitely hadn’t been thinking about her as often recently, and that scared him. But what scared him even more was that there was so much that he didn’t know about her when she was alive. He didn’t know about Jace, didn’t know the real reason why she was angry at Alec, and most importantly, he didn’t know why she killed herself. Of course, there’s not always a reason. Sometimes people just wake up and decide that life isn’t worth living, but it scared him so much to think that he might never understand what was going through Clary’s head when she did it. To never know why would drive Magnus crazy for the rest of his life. So, at almost 3:30 in the morning on Christmas Eve, he opened the white journal, and started to read.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!! Please leave me a comment with your feelings/theories. You all are amazing ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Whew... that was a lot. I am not sure when the next chapter will be posted but it will probably be sometime next week. I also don't know how long this will be, but probably pretty long. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading <3


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